Month: November 2023

Sunday, 19th November, 2023

A new week. Everything changes but nothing changes. Plus ça change. Plus c’est la même chose. I haven’t changed.

A painful and uncomfortable day yesterday. I had to turn round it was so difficult. Don’t know why but it all felt as if it was deliberately engineered to cause pain. Made me review past times, ask myself what I had done wrong. I hate failure. I can’t accept it. I don’t want to be a bad person. My job is to make people happy.

I will never give up. I will always keep trying. I know I can be annoying but there will be a time when my tenacity will come through …. Non deficiere! Looking back over the mistakes, the misjudgements, the losses is how I assess life. Pauline and I talked it over last evening. Honesty is so important. We have almost agreed on our understanding of what happened and what I will do about it. It won’t be easy but it has to be faced.

After a sleepless night, I got up this morning knowing how to go forward. After Breakfast, I went down to the beach to clear my head and blow the thoughts away. It was incredibly warm. Battled down the coast road against a strong, onshore breeze.

Went into the Café on the Beach for a coffee but it was absolutely rammed and I couldn’t face the 30 mins queue for a table. Drove home to drink it in comfort. Have to spend home time in the Gym.. The targets have to be met. Non deficiere!

This Summer, it will be 10 years since we left our Greek home and left the wonderful, Cycladic island of Sifnos. If things go well for me, I am determined to return. It is in my DNA. Never leave the past behind. Always return to touch base!

Monday, 20th November, 2023

A horrible, horrible day. Dark, windy and very, very wet. Can you believe it, the window cleaner has turned up! I am hunkering down at home. The furthest I will stray is across the garden to the Gym. Can’t even face contacting friends today. I did receive a photo of a crash in Oldham last night which brought back all sorts of memories.

This was a car that crashed into an old, Nat.West building on the junction of Featherstall Road North and Middleton Road. It connected with me because I had gone into that bank in the past and we used it for kids doing Work Experience at one point. But just look at the dilapidation, and harshness of that wet, old street late at night in the North of England. Boarded up and crumbling, this building is a thing of the past. Like so much else, it has definitely seen better days.

At least it’s a warm day. I’m still living in shorts and tee shirt and have the fan on in the Office this morning. It is going to be a politics day. Such a delight to watch the Tories flounder through their final months of government, fighting like rats in a sack. The Times cartoon this morning shows a severely injured Sunak cobbling together the Plane of a Rwanda Policy with bits of wood while urging on his hapless Foreign Secretary, ironically named Cleverley, to pedal faster before they inevitably fall off the white cliffs off Dover.

Because I am so exciting, one of the things I am following today is the live broadcast of the Covid Inquiry. Today, it is Patrick Vallance whose diary notes include the observation that he considered Boris Johnson to be bi-polar, manic in his decision making rather like Cummings described him as a shopping trolley wildly veering all over the place. Johnson also had problems understanding and remembering the scientific concepts being explained to him.

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay …Christina Rossetti, ‘Remember’ – 1861

I don’t know about you, Dear Reader, but I have quite a good memory although it is not always conventional. I find that I remember lines of poetry and sections from novels that I haven’t read since the late 1960s. I tended to remember things best using rhythm. This doesn’t work for everyone. I can have a string of numbers – a telephone number, for example – rattled off to me and I can hold it in my head because I have received it with a rhythm which replays through my memory. I have an online calendar but I can hold dates and events for quite a while without referring to it. My wife says I have selective memory because I choose what I want to forget. I think we all do, don’t we?

Tuesday, 21st November, 2023

An overcast and cool day. Didn’t sleep well last night. Rather turning in upon myself although I had to respond to Jill’s lovely message asking after my welfare and I had to contact Kevin because he was going in to hospital for a second operation to straighten out his other hand. Like me, he got tired of waiting in the post-pandemic backlog and paid about £5,000 for his first operation. This second one is through the NHS and, when I contacted him, he had already been waiting for 4 hrs in a admission room without news of his procedure. Money makes all the difference to the ‘hotel’ conditions of the process if not the medical procedure itself.

Of course, no one can hide from the world completely and I have made so many connections that I can’t really retreat for long at all. I received a copy of the East Lothian Courier this morning. Not my usual reading but interesting none the less. I employed this girl to run the school’s Learning Resource Centre and great she was at it. Her husband, Steve, was employed in the School Office and her two daughters were pupils in school.

Unfortunately, the family were born with wanderlust and, after a few years, they moved on to a church in Derbyshire, a posting in the Falklands, managing a holiday rental business in the south of France, managing a farm in south Australia and now all the way up to Scotland. I missed them because they were just good people.

Going to France next week for a few days Christmas shopping. Be nice to get out of here and not hurting. Got to find a VPN (virtual private network) software to allow me to receive stuff on my laptop as if I am back in UK. I’m a bit disenchanted with my current Express VPN. Considering going back to NordVPN again. Anyone who has gone to a foreign hotel without VPN coverage will know of the pitfalls.

Wednesday, 22nd November, 2023

Lovely, sunny but cold morning. First thing over breakfast I like to touch base with friends. Asked Kevin about his night after a difficult and very painful operation. Just to cheer him up, I listed all the benefits of being incapacitated for a couple of weeks: No washing for a fortnight. No housework. Total slave service. … Seemed to work.

This morning, I’ve driven Pauline to Southlands Hospital, Shoreham-by-Sea for an appointment at the Dermatology Clinic. Recently, she found her first ever wrinkle on her neck and panicked. Hope they sort her out. It’s costing me a fortune in face cream!

Doing some walking outside while she has her neck massaged. Maybe she’ll get her face cream on prescription. Am I sounding heartless? I’m not really. I’m secretly panicking too. I can’t be married to someone with wrinkles!!

… Well, that was a revelation. The consultant told Pauline that it wasn’t unusual for the odd wrinkle to appear after the age of 70. Who’d have thought it? Free Face Cream on prescription … for life. This is going to save me a fortune. It will subsidise my wine bill. Even better this morning, the carpark was packed but a car was vacating the best position leaving it for us and, as they drove out, they handed us their ticket which covered our appointment. Can life get any better?

Thursday, 23rd November, 2023

My first thought when I wake is my last thought when I go to sleep. It has been the same for decades. I suspect it will stay with me until I die.

In my beginning is my end. Now the light falls
Across the open field, leaving the deep lane
Shuttered with branches, dark in the afternoon.T. S. Elliot – Four Quartets

I was struck that these photographs of sunrise yesterday morning could just as easily have been ascribed to sunset in the evening. In my beginning is my end now the light falls.

I have been dogged by the domination of thought throughout my life. I live in my head a lot. My wife finds it very funny when I jump out of my skin as she walks, unannounced, into a room where I’m working. I find it embarrassing. It happens because I have to concentrate so intensely that I shut out the world completely. I lose sense of time. Often I forget to move at all and suddenly find I have cut off the blood supply and lost the feeling in my legs.

I have written before that we rarely now eat meat – perhaps once a week – and even more rarely buy processed food at all. Broke both those rules this morning when we went to our butchers and bought sausages to put in a dish of Cassoulet. Not just any old, supermarket sausages, of course. Our butcher makes wonderful sausages and we bought Gloucester Old Spot pork and Cumberland sausage. We could have had Venison and Lamb but pork is demanded for Cassoulet.

Got to clean the car ready for our French trip next week. I’ve been putting it off for weeks while I was driving to Brighton every day and feeling exhausted from the treatment. …..

….. It’s a beautiful, sunny and warm day and cleaning the car was actually quite enjoyable. It is about 9 months old and it’s only done about 4,500 miles. It is in its infancy and very easy to valet. I always do a leather treatment for the interior and sometimes use wheel and tyre treatments as well. All of these are supplied ‘free’ by Honda because they believe that examples of their cars being driven around in public looking good are the best advertisements. I have been buying and driving new Hondas for 40 years.

Friday, 24th November, 2023

Beautiful but chilly morning. Just to prove the point ….. In my beginning is my end … sunrise was glorious.

It is probably the same across the country. Julie reports bright but very cold on the North Yorkshire coast. JohnR says the same in Catterick and Kevin the same in Leeds. The one difference is that I’m the only one stupid enough to be walking round in shorts & tee shirt. Had to go down to the beachside to collect an order from the fishmongers.

I’ve had my haircut and beautiful I look, I have to admit. At least I don’t have to dye my hair. Going to France next week and it struck me that I go abroad more often than I visit places in UK. Haven’t been to London for quite a while.

In this week just over 10 years ago, we were staying in central London, shopping at Fortnum & Mason, Borough Market and snacking out at the Laduree on coffee and macarons. I must admit I’m not as comfortable in large cities as I am in the countryside but I love Covent Garden, the Opera House and the markets. London is an excitingly vibrant, multi-ethnic community with so much to offer. As long as you’ve got money, anything is possible.

The one thing it is hard to find is peace and solitude. Walking by the seashore down here in Sussex suits me better. OK, I might be boring but it is always best to admit the truth to oneself.

This afternoon, I have officiated in the final hour of a most beautiful creature. It has been enjoying a mild day of glorious sunshine, sipping the final flowers in the garden but, as the sun goes down and the temperature falls, he/she/it knows that all things come to an end. The struggle for life is at our core for all living things. A huge bumble bee took advantage of the open patio door and came into the warmth, to die. It was on its back and looked dead already. I lifted it with a tissue and it sprang back to life, righting itself and gripping the paper fiercely. Taking it out into the garden, I knew I was condemning it to certain death but there was no choice. Nature returning to nature.

In my beginning is my end now the light falls ……

Saturday, 25th November, 2023

Quite a cold night. We were down to 6C/43F at 4.00 am. Almost full moon and a sky full of stars last night. The weather is definitely changing. Winter is coming and warmth, friendliness and comfort is called for.

On this day, a couple of years ago, I received this from an old lady with limited digital skills. Bit shaky and out of focus, I know, but we have to make allowances for age. I remember thinking at the time, I could eat that! In fact, I have eaten dozens of those. Roast pheasant used to be a significant part of my diet.

Today, as I wrote a couple of days ago, meat like this doesn’t feature so much in our diet. Having said that, this morning, I am cooking a huge, Greek Beef Stifado. …. basically, beef stew with Mediterranean flavours. When it has had a day to mature, it will be portioned up and frozen for times when we need comfort food.

I think I’ve written before and you will have to forgive me for the repetition of an old man. When I was a child, we didn’t have a television. Not because we couldn’t afford one but because my parents were ideologically opposed to the idea. Much more important that the children concentrated on their school work, did their homework, didn’t get distracted by populist trash.

It wasn’t until I went home from College in the 1970s that I found a television had been installed and my Mother was already addicted to it. I do remember going to Grammar School where all the boys were discussing what they’d watched the night before and feeling totally left out. I think that’s why televisions and current affairs have been so important to me over the years. Our house has a television in every room apart from the bathrooms. Each of the 8 televisions is linked to Sky-Q so I can watch something in the Gym, pause it and carry on in the Office, pause it and carry on in the Lounge, pause it and finish it in the bedroom.

Today, I will be watching Spooks in the Gym while my Housekeeper will be watching Strictly Come Dancing in the Lounge. The day is so gorgeous and lonely that I had to go to the beach for the sunset. It was so beautiful, it made me weep. Think that we will have to leave this wonderful world! You should be here, Dear Reader, to share the utter joy and solitude of sunset on the Sussex coast.

Sunday, 12th November, 2023

A dark, dank, lonely morning. In the Office, watching political interviews. They are depressing other than for the latest opinion poll featured in The Sunday Times.

The election is likely to be this time next year but there could be a snap, Summer election if the Tories feel like they have a ‘window’. It’s going to be an interesting year for all sorts of reasons.

In the meantime, we have an Autumn Statement from the Chancellor to come soon and I am hoping to hear that he is actually going to make changes to ISAs. I’m always amazed how little people know about such things. Currently, we are only allowed to earn £1000.00 per year of investment income. So a couple can only make £2000.00 per year tax-free. Everything else just gets aggregated into all other income for tax purposes.

ISAs are the one, safe exception. They allow us to invest without tax liability. Unfortunately, that investment is limited to £20,000.00 per person per year. So only £40,000.00 per couple per year can be sheltered. It can be in the form of Cash, Bonds or Shares. For the past few years, returns on cash ISAs have been so poor as to be not worth the effort but now all that has changed. The best ISAs are paying 5.7%. The only problem is that we have to wait a full 12 months (from April 6th – New Tax Year) before the next £40,000.00 can be salted away.

It is rumoured that ISAs will be made more accessible which will be very welcome. Apparently, the idea is that the Chancellor wants to suck cash out of circulation to restrain spending and lower inflation. I will welcome it. It won’t make me vote Tory though.

Went out to Sainsburys to buy Pauline’s Christmas present this morning. I think it’s £42.00 well spent. What more could a woman want? She will cherish them for years.

Monday, 13th November, 2023

Lovely warm and sunny day. Sleeping for me (and with me) is quite troubled still. Although I think the effects of the hormone injections are starting to lessen with certainly less hot sweats, I’m a nightmare laying awake in bed. My thoughts drive me mad. I resort to distraction with the radio. What always surprises me is that I don’t wake up tired and it doesn’t affect my day. The effects of the radiotherapy which arrived after the first two weeks of treatment, are rather stronger and increasingly accentuated. I’m told that I can expect them to get worse for some time.

It will be two years in February since I had a colonoscopy which I had to pay for. I wrote to my GP after that to be asked to be put forward for an NHS procedure in February 2024 because the Nuffield consultant told me I should be checked every two years. I’ve written to my doctor today to ask if she has done that. We haven’t talked for over a year although I have seen other GPs in my surgery. I do try hard to take responsibility for my own health, exercising, dieting, self-testing, etc, although I’m sure there is much more I could do. My doctor recognises this and responds very positively.

I am happy to speak on the phone, to do a video consultation, to avoid making excessive calls on her time and I think I get treated well because of that. Of course, lots of the elderly are not comfortable doing what I will. The illustration above is from The Telegraph this morning.

This is the problem that all innovation faces. Almost 30 years ago, I drove the introduction of IT across the procedures of School management in a large, Comprehensive school. First we threw out all the typewriters and replaced them with word processors. Next, I introduced the school to the early internet. I had wi-fi installed right across a huge campus and I bought in hand held devices for teachers to do registration in an attempt to catch truants from school and from lessons.

As soon as I could afford it, I bought rooms of computers firstly to teach I.T. and then to do general research, document production, etc. Finally, I spent a long time researching and purchasing intranet software that allowed staff to work seamlessly at home and school and allowing pupils to do the same, allowing parents to monitor, communicate, integrate with the life of the school.

Throughout, I faced opposition from many quarters. Staff lacked the skills and the confidence to acquire them. Pupils and their parents lacked the equipment, the internet and the finance to provide them at home. Everything had to be done as a battle with carrot and stick. Eventually, we got there but far too late for me. So it is in the Health Service. Through I.T., bookings, appointments, prescriptions and Remote Consultations, doctors’ time is freed up.

This is the future forcing its way into the present and we should all leave our minds open to the change that will inevitably come. Don’t get left behind. Don’t celebrate being the out-of-touch old. Celebrate being alive by reaching out to the new, Dear Reader. Retirement can be an increasingly lonely place without embracing the Future.

Tuesday, 14th November, 2023

A very warm morning of rain. Talking to friends around the country, it looks as if the only question is where you decide to drown today, Dear Reader.

I had to brave it because things were needed from Tesco, Asda and Sainsburys this morning. So much is missing from supermarket shelves that this sort of tour is often required especially if you’re a perfectionist like my Housekeeper. I made a complaint out loud to myself when I couldn’t find something I wanted. A couple of women openly laughed in agreement as if the whole scarcity problem has become so accepted that it is a wry joke. Only a reversal of Brexit will ultimately improve supply chains.

One of the more discussable side effects of my radiotherapy is terrible tiredness, crushing, physical tiredness. I have to haul myself through my exercise routine because I do not give up. You might have heard that before, Dear Reader. I do not give up. It is 1.30 pm and I am going in the Gym for a couple of hours. The only way I can face it at the moment is the long-running, MI5 spy drama series I am watching called Spooks. I was a bit daunted to find that it runs to 10 series and 86 episodes but now I’m hooked.

I am becoming a little concerned by these side effects, not least because I’m driving to France in a couple of weeks. I’ve also booked some fairly demanding European trips next year. I may have to review them nearer the end of the year if things haven’t improved. At least I am fully insured although my current condition is costing me quite a bit extra in premium. For many years, our travel insurance has come free and unlimited courtesy of our Bank Account. When we turned 70, we were subject to a £75.00 ‘age extension’ excess each on our Annual premium. Now, I have to pay an additional £195.00 for the magic word, ‘Cancer’. So our ‘free’, Annual Travel Insurance, we will be charged at £345.00.

Well, by 2.00 pm, the sun came out warm and strong and we went out for a walk. Met a couple we see regularly, stopped and chatted. They asked after my treatment and then volunteered the information that the husband was going to Brighton Cancer Centre every day for 5 weeks for radiotherapy on a brain tumour which had affected his peripheral vision and deprived him of his driving licence. Made my problem seem so totally irrelevant.

Wednesday, 15th November, 2023

Lovely, sunny morning. Driving to Town down the beach road and past the Worthing Pier. It was delightful. We were going to Waitrose amongst other places. Warm and sunny but quite blustery, I was in shorts & tee-shirt although quite a few of the old people were dressed for Winter.

The beach path is lifted above the road on one side and above the beach on the other to avoid the problems of High Tide. You can’t really view the sea from the road.

I stopped for a few minutes on the promenade. It’s great to breathe the sea air. You should have come, Dear Reader. We drove on to Waitrose carpark but the news coming through from the Supreme Court about the Rwanda Plan verdict and, knowing that PMQs was coming up, we did a quick shop and drove home.

Pauline is one of the healthiest people I have ever met. She is very fit and takes no medication. Like me, she does like to check her blood pressure each a day and I have created a spreadsheet to record the readings. Yes, I know, I’m an incorrigible Romantic.

To help, I’ve also ordered her a wristband monitor that continually provides blood pressure and heart rate data. She can consider that a supplementary Christmas present.

Thursday, 16th November, 2023

It is pouring with rain this morning. Looked out and thought I was in Wales! I’m not going to be straying very far from the house today. This morning, I am talking to a variety of friends from my Office. Looks like my Friends in the North have better weather.

It’s surprising to me how often people from my past drift across my mind in the early, sleepless hours. I was talking to an old friend yesterday about a lad called Alan who I haven’t seen for more than 50 years. Alan was a mild-mannered, thoughtful and intelligent young Geordie. His party piece was singing Gene Pitney songs, particularly 24hrs from Tulsa which he did on request. I didn’t have much connection with him other than playing football together but I have often thought about him.

My friend, JohnR, was meeting an old student in a pub in North Yorkshire and just happened to say he hadn’t seen Alan, like me, for 51 years. At that very moment, Alan and his wife walked in to the pub for Lunch. I just love such coincidences whether they are engineered or pure happenstance. At the distance of time and geography, we are sharing our retirement and adding a dimension that would otherwise be lost. I learnt this morning that Alan had moved back to live in Ripon, hadn’t done much teaching but had gone into the building trade. I would never have predicted that.

Talked to Julie this morning who is spending her days going to photography clubs, screen printing classes, the gym and swimming pool. Today, she told me she was putting her house on the market and looking for a new one to accommodate her aging mother as well. Kevin is biking and swimming and playing his collection of guitars but has to go for a second operation on the other hand next week so is going to be out of action from his hobbies for a while. JohnR is touring the North of England giving talks on his experiences as a Primary Headteacher and eating curry until it comes out of his ears. I had to tell him, I absolutely hate curry. Give me Mediterranean cooking every time, Dear Reader, please.

There is a chill wind today and my wife insists she’s got absolutely nothing to wear to combat the cold. She needs a ‘Fleece’. When we get to the shop – Mountain Warehouse – no sooner has she found one she likes but there is another just as good. We leave with two after having to hold her down from buying matching hats. Who cares as long as she’s happy. I always tell her that it’s all her money anyway so spend it.

Now, the rain has at last stopped and we are going out to test one. She will be dressed for Winter and I will be dressed for Summer. She will perspire and I will shiver but those are our choices. We continue to march through retirement trying to extract as much enjoyment out of it as we can, enjoying the people around us and connected to us, sharing our lives as vicariously as we can.

Friday, 17th November, 2023

An absolutely wonderful morning of crystal blue skies and strong, low, autumnal sun. There are very few things missing from this morning. Up early and out to the Rustington Butcher’s and the Littlehampton Fishmongers. Skirt of Beef for a Greek Stew and a kilo of locally caught Squid. The freezers are bulging.

Mid-November. You would expect it to be cold, harsh and aggressive. Quite the opposite. It is mild, inviting and delightful.

Took the opportunity to go down to the beach as the tide came in. What a great time with warm air and few people. If only we could invite just the people that we want and exclude the rest.

Although we’ve been dashing around all day, I’ve still got an hour to do in the Gym. Fortunately, I’ve still got more than 60 episodes of my spy thriller to complete so I’m looking forward to it.

I have never been a fan of Monarchy. I have always supported Republicanism. This week, we have an unelected Prime Minister asking an unelected King to make an unelected man a peer so he can become an unelected Foreign Secretary. It is absolutely appalling. Having said that, I found that I really enjoyed the Netflix production of The Crown which has returned to our screens this week. We watched the first two episodes last night. They dealt with divorce and relationship with Dodi Fayed leading to Diana’s death in Paris.

Watched the first two episodes last night. It is our history. I remember as clearly as yesterday coming back from the Greek island of Symi on 31st August 1997. Waking up in Quarry Court, West Yorkshire to the news that she was dead. Had always held out hope that she would engineer the downfall of the monarchy in UK.

Over 25 years ago, we rented a villa on top of the hill to the right and behind the church with the plum coloured dome for a month in August. I was aged 46, very slim in small, white shorts and I ran up the 200+ steps to the property. Where does it all go? I remember waking up on the Monday morning and being shocked to hear on the radio by my bed the news of her death. It was shocking but not shocking. The State had triumphed again.

Saturday, 18th November, 2023

I’ve pre-prepared this, Dear Reader, and I apologise for that. Just didn’t know if I would be near a computer to write it this weekend. A bit busy.

Tomorrow is International Men’s Day. It is something I have advocated for years. I don’t have a problem promoting Women’s issues – well, some women – especially medical ones but I’ve always felt it marginalised men. Nothing could highlight this more than the latest announcement on prostate cancer.

I’ve have had quite a number of tests over the years since I was in my 50s. None had been conclusive although, if my results a couple of years ago had been taken more seriously, I might have caught this cancer earlier. Now a new screening trial is being assessed prior to rolling the process out nationwide. The problem with the blood test is that it throws up so many false positives/negatives as to be almost useless unless they are done often and regularly which would make huge demands on the NHS. Now an annual MRI scan offered to all men in the risk cohort could reduce these concerns and identify problems early. This is the sort of focus a Men’s day can provide.

We men have to start fighting back! Have a lovely day.

Sunday, 5th November, 2023

A gorgeous, gorgeous morning. It is missing something essential but I will sort that out soon. After breakfast, I drove my wife into Worthing Town to buy some items from M&S and go on to Boots.

It is all by the sea so I took the opportunity to walk on the beach. It was quite delightful, as you can see.

Lovely, warm morning so we went down the pier. It was quite busy this morning. Walkers, Fishermen, Tourists, Breakfasters, all enjoying the day. There is a lovely restaurant at the end of the pier which is receiving rave reviews. We might celebrate the end of my treatment with a meal there.

The show at the end of the pier goes on and will do until we die. Our task is to prolong that moment for another 30 years isn’t it Dear Reader? As long as my treatment comes to a positive conclusion, I intend to work hard to get fitter, better, more worthy of life.

My Mother-in-Law worked hard to reach 96. My friend, Julie’s Mother looks full of life at the age of 95. I really want to emulate these people and I wish it for you too, Dear Reader. Let us go forward together!

Neither a borrower nor a lender be …Shakespeare’s Hamlet – Polonius to his departing son, Laertes

In the Elizabethan era, borrowing and usury were probably dirty words. Certainly the treatment of Shylock in The Merchant of Venice suggests that. In the modern world few people get through their lives without borrowing – at least for a house purchase. Speculate to accumulate is the modern mantra.

It is a lovely state to arrive at when we no longer need to borrow anything but can afford to lend to those in need. We feel incredibly lucky to have arrived at that state. And yet, I never carry money. I haven’t written a cheque for years. I don’t know where the nearest bank branch is. We have multiple credit cards provided by our bank and everything is bought with them through our smart phones. The important thing is never fail to pay off the card account at the end of the month because interest rates are ruinous. We have never in the whole of our marriage paid credit card rates. Who would want to borrow at a rate of 18.276%. Pity those who feel they have no other choice.

Monday, 6th November, 2023

Up early for (hopefully) my final week of radiotherapy. I say hopefully because who knows whether it will have worked or not. I will not know until the end of December. Will there be fireworks of celebration? There were on Worthing Pier last night on a crystal clear night.

Just completed Session 17/20. Thank you for your support! This one was a strange one. I was timed for 10.00 am and arrived an hour early as usual to drink a litre of water. Went in and registered and then just sat there for half an hour absolutely bursting for relief.

It turns out, some lunatic had fallen off the scanner bed and injured his leg. He hadn’t realised that, as soon as he got on and lay down, the bed automatically raised and he ended up falling from a great height. He was brought, hobbling, into the waiting room and there was a delay while they mopped up the blood. I was able to hold myself together and avoid flooding the treatment room.

Tuesday, 7th November, 2023

Beautifully sunny day of clear blue sky. Out of my routine this morning. Don’t have to be at the Cancer Centre until 2.00 pm so it feels strange. Didn’t sleep well at all but still up early. It is weird not to be preparing to set off after a month of doing just that.

I always find things like that interesting. Many people hate changes to their routines. I feel quite energised by it. I’m going to cut all the lawns this morning and tidy up the flower beds.

We can get quite tied in to our routines and organisations. They see us through our times. This is especially true in marriage. If you are anything like me, we negotiate and separate functions and then rarely question the responsibilities. So often and even now, they favour men. I am as guilty as any about that but I do like to learn new skills. How to use the microwave, the washing machine, the dishwasher, the second oven. How to make bread, cook steak, filet fish. These are all interesting novelties to learn in the relaxation of retirement.

But it’s the mundane things that we rather take for granted. I love gadgets. I love the way gadgets improve my routines. I am what is known as an early adopter. We have to have the latest gadget first. There are downsides to that. I remember getting a mobile phone 30 years ago when we were living in Yorkshire and suddenly realised we couldn’t get a signal at home. I had to drive a mile away to the nearest mast to make a phone call. Lunacy, I know, but I wasn’t put off. And guess what happened to mobile phones. They became ubiquitous. They added Texting, photography, internet and data transfer. They are our essential companion.

I have been shaving for 50 years. It is one of those morning routines that most men and some women take for granted. It can be irritating – literally. Recently, I bought a new, quite expensive shaver. It has changed my early mornings. It has taught me how to shave properly after all these years.

It was made for me because it has a mobile phone app which links to my shaver and monitors, guides and reviews my shaving each morning. I am rewarded with, You are a shaving Ninja. Which man could ask for more? It has a self cleaning pod of shaving balm which has an automatic routine that takes exactly the right length of time for me to clean my teeth with my electric toothbrush. Don’t you just love electric toothbrushes? I took one to a Greek island to introduce my friend to the concept. He wasn’t immediately convinced. It’s all in the mind. Keep it open to change and the improvement will come, Dear Reader.

Wednesday, 8th November, 2023

Penultimate Radiotherapy session. It had been raining heavily over night. The drive featured lots of standing water hazards. My day has been full of conflicting emotions – elation & sadness. In the waiting room this morning, I met lots of familiar faces on this cancer journey. They knew I hadn’t far to go and were congratulating me as if I had achieved something. I haven’t! I’ve just turned up, taken my pants down and had my body irradiated. That is not the hard bit. Has it worked? That is my concern.

My journey has been around 8 months. In that time, I’ve had hormone injections and a month of Radiotherapy. I won’t go into the side effects because they are unpleasant but I can cope with the physical effects. It is the psychological/emotional side that have been particularly difficult. Fortunately, I have been tirelessly supported by my wife and some friends. They have been so important. Talking to others going on this same journey, I realise that I’m not so unusual but I have been on the verge of tears many times in the past few months.

Met a man in the waiting room this morning who had been on hormone treatment and waiting for radiotherapy for 15 months. Another was tested at PSA (Prostate Specific Antigen) 15.0 whereas mine was only 7.5. After hormone treatment he had reduced to PSA = 12.00. I had gone down to 0.35. I am obviously much luckier than many others. What a lovely team of Irish blondes I’ve been treated by!

Drove home via the beach road. Sunbathing would have been nice today ….. if it wasn’t for the driving fine rain. At least it is warm down here. I’ve now got a couple of hours in the Gym. I’m cooking our meal tonight and then have to prepare for my last session. You realise when you’re faced with it that all of this is so much wider than our parochial routine and more important than any game.

Thursday, 9th November, 2023

Beautiful, sunny day with clear, blue sky after torrential rain over night. Quite appropriate because it has finally arrived. Today is my final day of radiotherapy which has gone on for a long, lonely month. The champagne is in the wine-fridge chilling for Lunchtime, a tin of Celebrations is in the car to give to the girls who have seen me through the process. It will all be over by 11.30 am. Perhaps we can get back to real life and start travelling again. I have a lot of people to see.

Two years ago today, long before any inkling of cancer, a time when masks were expected on planes and in public, I was in Athens blithely going about my days of self indulgence and enjoyment. Nice things were happening in my life. Can’t wait to go back.

Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;T. S. Elliot – The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

I have a PSA test booked for the week before Christmas prior to meeting my Consultant on December 29th. That will be a big meeting …. for me.

Well, I arrived early for my last session. Sitting in the carpark listening to a political podcast, I received a phone call from inside the building advising me that there would be a delay. A machine had broken down. They would advise me of a new time. The time is crucial because I need to drink a litre of water 40 mins before the treatment. Drink too late and I have to wait. Drink to soon and I’m in agony throughout the treatment. Fortunately, because it was my last one, the girls got me in close to time and everything went alright.

Lots of congratulations from the team of Irish blondes who had looked after me. I gave them a big tin of sweets to thank them for their services. It is strange after a full month of intimate contact that I will probably not see any of them again. That goes against all my instincts. I can’t leave significant people from my life behind. I will always go back if only one more time. And so, I will revisit them if only to say thank you properly.

When I have finished my treatment, I always dash to the toilet to empty an uncomfortable bladder. I did the same today but found myself instantly crashing and weeping at the emotion of the process end. I know that there are those who who will see me as a wimp, self indulgent and soft. I couldn’t care less. I let out a month’s worth of emotions quite easily. As I left for the car, my true friends contacted me wishing me well and safe journey home. The central feeling was anticlimactic.

This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.T. S. Elliot – The Hollow Men

Back home, we opened a bottle of champagne and drank it with cheese and biscuits. Now I am writing to thank the girls who supported me through the process. They know me like few others ever will and I will always be grateful to them.

Quite a salutary lesson learned when I arrived back in the waiting room. Two gentlemen waiting – one to go down and one to go home. Both would take the best part of their day for this process. I drove an hour each way in my luxurious car, quietly alone. They waited for hospital transport to pick them up, deliver them, return to collect and take them home again. Lovely people struggling through their days. Me at home long before them drinking champagne and relaxing. In that context, I am a lucky man!

Friday, 10th November, 2023

A new day. Happy Friday, Dear Reader. Life restarts …. and it is a lovely day down at the beach. Everything seems possible. Everything seems infinite. Nothing will be forgotten or let go.

Freedom Day is celebrated with champagne and crisps. What better than Duck & Plum? Actually, as it turns out, many things are better but not these.

Sometimes things are wonderful even if others in the back of my mind are falling into the mists for a while. Nothing is for ever but everything will come to pass when we least expect it ….

The beach was glorious today, bright, warm and infinite. Oh, Dear Reader, I would love to show you my beach. Today it was filled with dreams …. Age comes to us all. Sooner or later we will seek solace in our friends. In the crashing of the waves and the warmth of the sun, we will remember them.

Saturday, 11th November, 2023

A cold night – by far the coldest of the year so far. We went down to 4C/39F. On mornings like this one feels so grateful for a well insulated home. We are not sleeping in a tent on the street or wrapped in newspaper. Can you imagine it? We may have to start putting the heating on soon!

Actually, over Breakfast, I download and read the newspapers – The Times, The Telegraph and The Guardian. When I wrote the phrase, wrapped in newspaper, I immediately thought, I haven’t bought a newspaper for years. I do see the ‘old people’, Brexiteers, shuffling down to the newsagents for their copies of the Daily Express & Daily Mail. Maybe they donate these colour comics to the homeless.

I bought a new case for my iPad which was delivered this morning. It effectively converts the ‘pad’ into a laptop with a keyboard which I can Blog on with ease. It came from Amazon and cost £150.00 which is a small price to pay for the conversion facilities.

While I am reading the newspapers, I am communicating and sharing ideas, cartoons, thoughts and just general chat with friends, relatives and neighbours. This morning I was sharing a conversation with my neighbours on either side – De & Jay and Jill & John – but also with my sister, Cathy, my friends, JohnR, Kevin and Julie and a couple of ex-colleagues from school. Mainly, they were enquiring about my current health after completing the radiotherapy and wishing us a good weekend.

John was spending his Saturday driving a minibus to take elderly and disabled people around the grounds of Fountains Abbey and Studley Royal. He does it most weeks and in the most inclement weather. Today, it was obviously lovely.

Went out for a walk in the sunshine this afternoon for the first time in a while. Lovely and warm, bright and relaxing. I have things to be resolved over the next few weeks, things that keep me awake in the small hours of the morning but this was a respite from thinking them through constantly. I am fighting hard to keep my exercise going. Going to spend an hour in the Gym this evening. I am feeling incredibly lethargic at the moment. I’m restricting my food intake to shed this extra weight I’ve gained through the hormone treatment. Looking forward to feeling ‘normal’ again.

Sunday, 29th October, 2023

I remember, I remember,
The house where I was born …Thomas Hood 1827

I was reading of lots of flooding in the East Midlands over the past few days. I immediately thought of my past. I am from the East Midlands and Repton Road connecting the village with Derby on one side went past St Wystan’s, The Anglo-Saxon abbey church, over the River Trent on what is now a Grade 2 listed bridge. There were notable occasions when the Trent breached its banks and the village was cut off.

Derby Live sent stories of flooding this week but my brothers and sisters will know that the only photo I could find is out of date. It is looking across the Trent floodplain to Willington where the power station has been demolished for some time.

The Grade 2 Bridge has been damaged though and villagers are up in arms about a botched repair which they are being told is temporary. I’m afraid it is village politics like this that I was glad to escape.

No escaping the rain, though. It is a watery world even down here. Yesterday, the Worthing Firework display and carnival was called off hours before it was due to start because of heavy rain forecast and they were proved right. The evening and night brought torrential rain. Hastings – just 50 miles down the coast was completely flooded. Suddenly, after 7 months exercising largely outside in the sunshine, it feels strange to be back in the Gym watching films.

We have our own park pond at the moment. About a mile down the road where I walk most days, the huge grassy area popular for sunbathing and picnics, is currently a boating lake although it’s more popular with seagulls today.

Monday, 30th October, 2023

Slept well last night. Strange but I woke up with the solution to a problem that has been dominating my mind for a few weeks. I tend to be rather impulsive but I am also rational. These are opposing tensions. I have spent weeks thinking it through, rationalising something which, ultimately, I will swallow hard and do. I woke up this morning knowing what the answer is although I will hold back for a couple of days and then act. It feels decided.

Day 12 of my Radiotherapy and schools were back so the ‘school run’ again. Traffic was noticeably more. I am getting a bit more blasé about the routines which is dangerous because it is important not to treat it too casually. I have to keep reminding myself that it is very serious. I am dealt with my a rotating team of about 8 pairs of Irish girls. I am getting to know their personalities which is something I don’t want to do. They are all chatty and welcoming. I am unusually disengaged. Home by 11.15 am and then life carries on.

We needed fresh vegetables from Sainsburys. Broccoli, at the moment is delicious and flavoursome. Well, it would be if you could buy it. I’m hooked on it. We went on Friday, Saturday and again today and still no broccoli …. and very few tomatoes. Apparently, ours come from Europe now but a shortage over there means little is being transported to us outsiders. Brexit, the gift that keeps giving!

Afternoon in the Gym. Got to keep fighting. Watching a British Spy serial called Spooks at the moment. There are 86 episodes so I will probably not complete it but it is taking my mind off things. Actually, the Covid Inquiry on Sky News is almost as gripping. Fascinating to watch Party Marty try to bluff his way through a non-explanation of why he deleted his Whatsapp conversations when the Inquiry was announced. They are all so entitled they think they can just busk it.

Tuesday, 31st October, 2023

Heavy rain over night. Didn’t sleep well but had fallen into a lovely dream that I was woken from at 5.45 am by the radio coming on. Dry and warm this morning. Last day of October for the world. Day 13 for me. Have to be in Brighton for 8.40 am.

Got there late because the traffic was awful. Tuesday is definitely the new Monday as work from home has become established. Just had time to drink a litre and a half of water before going in. I’ve said that I try to be withdrawn and impersonal as much as I can during this process. I’ve noticed that others tend to be very chatty, unusually jovial and rather over the top. The girl who tends to me more than any other asked me how many sessions I had had. I told her this was the 13th and I hoped it would be lucky.

She said immediately, Ah, yes. God willing. I told her that I didn’t believe in God. She said, Surely, John, you must have faith. I told her that the only faith I had was in Medical Science. I said, You must be a good, Irish Catholic. She agreed she was. I told her my Mother was. It was the first personal information I had volunteered so far. I slightly regretted it.

It’s strange but, although I don’t like to share my feelings with the radiotherapy staff who are asking about them, I feel happier sharing, in fact the need to share, with friends from a distance.

Incredible to think it is November tomorrow. So warm and beautiful down at the beach where I went after driving home. Quite a few people down there doing the same thing. One or two people out on the sea in sailing boats. Near the shore, the cancelled Bonfire was being burned down and woodsmoke scented the sea air.

This evening, our neighbours, whose children are in their early teens now, were preparing for a party. Halloween is a concept that escapes me. Mind you, Christmas largely does as well.

Wednesday, 1st November, 2023

Happy new month to all my readers. Hope the Winter treats you well and remains warm. A terrible night for me last night, thanks for asking. Hardly slept.

Up early for a drive through torrential rain and strong winds to Brighton Cancer Centre. It took double the normal time because of awful traffic. It was 16C/61F all night but wet. Today is so unreliable that I will be in the Gym for a few hours this afternoon.

In the Treatment waiting room, I met a man who was on his last session of 20. Four years older than me, he was from Staffordshire like me and was suffering many of the side effects that I am. He has the same consultant and is exhausted from the treatment. He looked exhausted and is really struggling emotionally at the end of his treatment.

Today was the day of the College Reunion for the first men’s cohort that I was in. They are all in their early to mid 70s. Kevin & JohnR were there to represent me and Kevin arranged a video call so that I could join in when I got home. Said Hello to Kevin, John ‘Tash’ Coates, Chris Tolley, Dave Weatherly, John Morris, Andy Henderson, Derek Coulson, Peter Holgate, Dave Roberts in the Scarborough Hotel, Leeds. At least they didn’t ghost me.

I’ve never been there but I was quick to see the irony that they boasted Ind Coopes Burton Beers. Between 1962 – 1968, I went to Burton Grammar School in the shadow of Ind Coopes Pale Ale Brewery. The odour of hops drifted across the Trent valley although I was more fixated on the Girls’ Grammar School at the time.

Thursday, 2nd November, 2023

A warm night of violent winds and torrential rain. The garden had been rearranged by 6.00 am this morning. Fortunately, a quick check suggested no real damage. Even so, I decided to go to Brighton especially early because I don’t want to miss a session. There was a lot of deep, standing water on the roads but there was almost no traffic. People had clearly decided to stay at home. I got there 90 mins early. I went in early and drove home through light traffic arriving almost before I was originally meant to go in. All days should be like this.

Went down to the beach to see what the effect of the storm had been. Sea foam had covered the beach road over night along with half of the beach.

I didn’t get to Yorkshire yesterday although I will have to go North very soon to sort things out. My friend, Kevin, very kindly video conferenced me to the meeting so I could say Hello to all those people I haven’t met up with since 1972. It was delightful. Because we were the first men (boys) in the College history and such a small number in a community of women, we formed a more insular bond. Well, that’s the theory. I’m not completely sure it was true. Certainly, I spent more of my time with girls than boys but that’s another story.Scenes from the Care Home

I have to admit that it’s shocking to see how old we are. I suppose it is more in the attitude than the body now.

Friday, 3rd November, 2023

Day 16 of treatment. Finish on Thursday next week if all goes well. The bad news I received today was that the side effects continue and get worse for a month after treatment stops. The lovely Irish blonde who is treating me welcomed me with, Happy Friday. I returned the greeting with, Happy World Jellyfish Day. The BBC World Service announced at 4.00 am that there was a vast increase in jellyfish because of warming waters and today was their day. I must admit, Aisling didn’t look over impressed but I have that effect on girls.

In this week in 2010, we were still in Oldham. Pauline’s Mum had died and Pauline scattered her ashes in the Memorial Gardens of the Crematorium.

We had been retired for about 18 months but we were still getting many demands from our old school. In this same week in 2010, we received 5 separate requests from people in or connected to school. I had a man I had appointed just wanted to talk, a man who I had been training wanting further guidance, a female teacher and a girl ex-pupil wanting references. Pauline had a visit from the police to discuss a domestic abuse case she had dealt with more than a year ago.

At the same time, we were keen to move on. We were urgently looking for properties to buy in the south of England although we really weren’t sure where. We were driving to our Greek home each Spring and back in the Autumn so I wanted to be closer to the Eurotunnel. I had initially thought that Kent would be best but my Chef/Cleaner really didn’t fancy it. I began to move round the South Coast to East Sussex. We visited many sites but none grabbed her. They all looked rather last century and a bit seedy. Her family had graduated from Oldham to Surrey and that is where we finally found a property which lasted us for 5 years.

I have to admit that Surrey never really attracted me and, as soon as I could, I escaped to Sussex which I absolutely love. My one regret is it has taken me away from friends – people who give me joy in my life. Just means I have to revisit more often. For those Blog readers who knew me in the past, perhaps went to college with me, I thought it would be nice to feature a figure from the past. Someone who has not been seen by anyone since 1972 turned up at the reunion this week.  He was a ’Mature’ student but a very pleasant one. I have to admit, I wouldn’t have recognised Bill Walker if I’d been there. Probably, he wouldn’t have recognised me.

I hardly recognise myself at the moment. Two or three years ago, you wouldn’t have caught me watching films at all. Then, during Lockdown, I started to watch historically and politically based films in the Gym. I found they really helped to while away the time as I exercised. In the past week, I’ve watched a couple of RomComs with my wife and quite enjoyed them. Last night, Love at First Sight really held my interest. It was actually quite moving. Must be going soft in old age!

Saturday, 4th November, 2023

The local Rugby Club which is about two fields away from us made the brilliant decision to hold its Firework Display last night. It was cool but bright and dry. I’m a little past fireworks but the night sky was lit up for a couple of hours with delightful shooting stars of blue, red, green & gold. Over night, under a piercingly clear sky of stars and moon, the temperature dropped to 4C/39F by 1.00 am but had risen to 11C/52F just 3 hours later as the rain came across.

I had a strange night of dreams. I saw myself as a student in a sheepskin waistcoat/gilet. I inherited it from a passing stranger and wore it for months. I think I believed it made me look ‘hip’. It was grubby and smelly but ‘cool’. The person who bequeathed it – a hairy midget – was half my size so it was never a good fit but what we do for ‘fashion. I don’t know what happened to it but it still exists in my memory. Might expand on those memories in future Blogs.

I am often brought up sharply by photographs of the past. This black & white snap was taken about half a mile from my ‘flat’ in Oldham and only 5 years before I arrived. It looks like a scene out of The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists.

I always saw the College males as ‘boys’ not ‘men’. Seeing them pictured a few days ago, the reverse has to be true. Where has it gone? Has it gone? Can it be retrieved? I will do every thing I can to hang on. Must visit Dave Weatherley in Bolton very soon.

One of the things that this treatment programme has done for me is reinstate That Friday Feeling that I lost in retirement. Yesterday, we opened a bottle of champagne in the afternoon. This morning, after an unsettled night, I stayed in bed until 7.00 am. Actually, I was finding it difficult to face the world. Rain was still falling heavily. It may have been a warm world but it wasn’t inviting. Farewell cruel world!

You would be forgiven for forgetting what a cynical, cold world it is. Those who you thought were on your side turn out quite the opposite. Yesterday, I received a touchingly intimate email from my Tory MP …. Fortunately, Boundary Changes mean he won’t be it for long even if he survives the election.

Looking forward to getting this treatment over so we can start travelling again both in and outside the country. Just 5 years ago, we were renting a villa in Tenerife for a couple of months and enjoying the warm sunshine. Need to find some more soon.