Month: October 2023

Sunday, 22nd October, 2023

A beautiful morning after a sad day. A day of loss. That is how life goes. There is always an upside but you have to see it. I am going out in shorts and tee shirt in warm – almost hot – sunshine under blue skies to get on with my life.

Yesterday was a sad day for lots of reasons. For example a boyhood hero, Bobby Charlton died at the age of 86. When you are 10 or 15 years old, the age of 86 seems like forever. When you are 72, it makes one reflect on one’s own longevity and what one still needs to achieve.

It was a sad day for England cricket who were comprehensively thrashed in the World Cup in Mumbai yesterday. For me it was an even sadder day as England lost by one point in the final minutes to South Africa in the Rugby World Cup. I watched with my long distant friend, Kevin up in Yorkshire.

If you think grown men don’t cry, you only have to look at the faces of players who have given everything but still lost. It is no sign of weakness but evidence of really caring. What marks us out is how we respond. Do we turn our backs and walk away to do something else or do we refuse to accept failure, redouble our efforts and go again. Think of other ways to achieve our goal. I have to say that I favour the latter. I cannot and never will accept failure. I have to win. Past failures have to be readdressed.

Yesterday, I wrote about the concept of Determinism. Today, I’ve been focussing on …. bin liners. I bought a new kitchen bin from simplehuman. It cost me £120.00 which my wife thought was ridiculous even though it’s about the price she pays for a pair of trousers. The bin has a 10 year warranty so I registered it on line. They offered me 20% off my next purchase so I looked for how I might use it. Custom-fit bin bags were on offer delivered free to my door. They came in various size packs so, as always, I went for the biggest: 240 bags for £75.00. I thought it was reasonable. My wife didn’t. When I told her I’d ordered them, she went mad. There is no accounting for people’s behaviour is there Dear Reader?

https://youtube.com/watch?v=JDG2m5hN1vo%3Ffeature%3Doembed

And if you don’t love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain (never break the chain)

And so it is that the house is reverberating to the sound of Fleetwood Mac.. Not my choice but my wife’s favourite. I know about a handful of their songs and, through repetition, I like them but I prefer the lyrics.

Monday, 23rd October, 2023

Beautiful morning apart from the fact that it is Day 7 of Irradiation. There is a faint whiff of cooking meat in the air. I recruited a new friend to come with me on the journey. We met in the sunshine of the garden yesterday.

This beautiful creature entered my life yesterday. Isn’t she gorgeous? Actually, I say ‘she’ but snails are hermaphrodite. When common garden snails (Helix aspersa) mate, a penis is extruded from the side of each head as the snails join together. Too much information? Hope you weren’t eating Breakfast although … is there any more appropriate time for snail sex?Anyway, I am far too shy for such activities so I’ve told her/him that she’s got a ‘window’ to do whatever while I’m out.

The irradiation sessions seem to be getting longer each time I go. Still got 13 more. Decided to celebrate when it’s over with a French shopping trip before Christmas and I think I’m going to need a trip to the North of England as well. Just booked a couple of nights in France – buy some wine, chocolate, hopefully porcelain replacements for things we’ve I’ve broken, presents, interesting ingredients for Christmas Dinner, etc..

A little trip like this used to be so cheap with discount, off-peak Eurotunnel tickets, etc. This one will cost £190.00 return Tunnel crossing plus £300.00 for the hotel. Just renewed our travel insurance annual policy. It is ‘free’ with our bank account although it isn’t. We have to pay a 2 x £75.00 age extension premium for being over 70 and an extra £180.00 for my condition as a decrepit old man. So it is ‘free’ if you don’t count the £330.00 add-ons.

Just completed my exercise routine this afternoon. Was tired, lethargic, a bit jittery and lacking in energy. I’m only 30% of the way through my treatment. I had hoped to stave off these feelings for as long as possible. I don’t like the loss of control.

Tuesday, 24th October, 2023

Didn’t sleep last night until it was time to get up and then I was totally gone. The radio alarm came on at 5.45 am and I fell asleep to the tones of Farming Today. It’s usually compelling listening. Today, it was about genetic modification which I find interesting but now … I’ll never know. There are one or two people I can think of who need genetically modifying but … tomatoes?

Dashing off at 7.45 am today although it was amazing yesterday how quiet the traffic was. When I got there, I suddenly realised it was Half Term. Amazing effect on the traffic. All children should be forced to walk to school no matter how far. Parents’ cars and children’s bikes should be BANNED.

A beautiful morning …. if you’re not going to be irradiated. I arrive at Preston Park Cancer Centre with an hour to spare because the traffic is so light once again. Warm and sunny today, there is a huge contrast between the purpose of the Centre – treating the ill – and the Park across the road which is available for the healthy. Walkers, joggers, dogs all exercise in the park with lots of space and fresh air available.

Had some lovely contacts from a variety of people over the past few hours. My skinny, little sister contacted me having read the Blog. She thinks I’m going on a Booze Cruise. Of course, as you will know, Dear Reader, I’m far more refined than that. It is a short break of a few days from the prison that is treatment. Of course, sisters always think the worst, don’t they .. and I’m so nice to them. At least Skinny Liz thought of me. Might buy her a box of chocolates. … There again …

One of the problems is buying presents for people who have got everything. We will shower them with calories in the guise of chocolates and sweets. We have a special shop in France that we use to source exactly that.

John_R told me today that his daughter is getting married soon. He’s obviously very proud of her. He’s going back to South Korea in the Spring to visit his son who is a teacher out there. Neighour, Jill, has watched me drive out for the clinic each morning and contacted this morning to ask how I was feeling. Julie also asked how things went in the treatment today. She’s going off to look after her 95 year old Mum for a few days. We really do sound old, don’t we?

While I was in the clinic, Kevin, who is about to be a grandfather again, sent me this baptism video. Didn’t surprise me that anything so extreme was Roman Catholic. They are all absolutely mad!

Wednesday, 25th October, 2023

Day 9: Very warm but dark and wet and 6.30 am. The warmth yesterday morning produced that lovely, low-level mist that cold grass hitting warm air produces at this time of the year.

Setting out before 8.00 am for another session of irradiation. Got stuck in a waiting room with lots of other sufferers the other day when the machine broke down. It was a salutatory experience. Suddenly, I became part of the community of cancer sufferers – something I didn’t want and had never even contemplated. It was uncomfortable. People greeted me as if they knew me because of my condition. This is when you need people who do really know you.

Today, there were only two of us there and I was in and out in about 20 mins. The whole process engenders in me a sense of isolation and utter loneliness. It is almost an out of body experience, as if I am watching it happening to someone else. I do try to detach myself from the whole thing. When it’s over and I am walking out, it is almost as if I am allowing myself to breathe again and the emotions flood me. I’ve had so few involvements with hospitals in my life until recently that the whole environment feels utterly alien.

I’m sure many of my readers will think I’m being far too self-indulgent and whingeing about my feelings as I go though this process. In fact, one reader even said quite pointedly that self pity wasn’t an attractive look. I’ve written a number of times that the stiff upper lip approach is not for me. I come to terms with things by expressing them, writing about them openly. Actually, underneath that and possibly because of that, I am very strong. I was reading the response of Julia Bradbury, TV presenter and cancer sufferer who addressed exactly this point.

I allowed myself to feel all the pain, vulnerability and fear because it was an important part of my recovery and healing process. If you quell a trauma, you risk damaging yourself internally. Meditation became very important to me because that’s when I could let the tears flow.Julia Bradbury

Alright, meditation is a step too far but the general thrust is exactly right for me and, if I come through this intact, I will be in a better place to help others around me who go through such an ordeal – even those unkind to me.

My friend, Kevin, is expecting to welcome his 10th grandchild into the world some time today. As someone with no children or grandchildren, I have pointed out to him how excessively greedy this is – 4 children and 10 grandchildren. He’ll have no problem with Carers in his dotage.

Thursday, 26th October, 2023

Dark start to Day 10/20. From tomorrow, it will be all downhill. Should be delighted but a strange concern crept over me yesterday. When this is over, I will receive the final verdict. Has it worked or not? How will I feel if it actually hasn’t? That is to come. For now, another dark drive down the coast to Brighton.

Illness, serious illness definitely makes one more conscious of age. Usually, I feel fit and energetic and optimistic and ‘young’. This morning, an ex-pupil posted this photo of our Craft Block in its infancy. This is exactly the sort of evidence that ages one instantly.

I think it was David Weatherly who posted a photo of this group. It immediately made me feel my age. It depicts John Mayall (89), Mick Fleetwood (76) and Bill Wyman (86). Quite extraordinary how time has gone on and how golden are those memories not to be dismissed easily. We throw away our connections with the past at our peril.

I remember my little brother, Bob, coming home with an LP by John Mayall & the Blues Breakers: A Hard Road. I couldn’t understand it. I was in to the Moody Blues, James Taylor and Joni Mitchell. I remember him coming home so proudly with his first pair of Levi Jeans which were stiff as a board and had to be softened by wearing them sitting in a bath of water while I was wearing very racy, orange striped hipsters. I contacted Bob this morning from the Cancer Centre as I drank my litre of water prior to treatment.

In real time, these wild, broadly sown Cosmos caught my eye yesterday while out walking. We are almost at the end of October and they are still flowering profusely and standing proudly.

Had to accompany the Chef to Sainsburys to buy a list of ingredients for Christmas cakes. Amazing how many women of a similar age were hovering around the same shelves urgently consulting lists.

Friday, 27th October, 2023

Warm, Dark, Wet. Dark, Wet, Warm. It’s going to be an interesting day. Quite a lot of the road I drive to Brighton has terrible drainage with huge pools of standing water when it rains. This morning it will be swimming pools after heavy, overnight rain. The last day of Half Term effect so must enjoy the sparsity of traffic.

This afternoon will be shopping and then spent in the Gym. Chef will be starting Christmas cakes. We debated making 3 which included one for us but have decided against it because, as we agreed, we’d only eat it and we don’t need the calories so just 2 cakes for P&C and for M&K.

Kevin seems so blasé about grandchildren with 9 already that he is very laid back about a 10th. He sent me a photo and hasn’t told me which sex it is. It looks like a boy to me but I daren’t ask because I could be totally wrong. I’m sure it will emerge in time. Before that, I’ll let you decide, Dear Reader. Let me know. …. New Life for Old.

I was reminded that 14 years ago this week, we received confirmation from our Mortgagee, Northern Rock, that we had paid off our last ever mortgage. In 2009, we had still owed £250,000. We had paid off everything we owed on the house in Huddersfield and the house we built in Greece.

We were mortgage-free for the first time in our lives. It was a weirdly, liberating feeling. We had deliberately disciplined and challenged ourselves to save, invest and improve for 30 years and it had paid off. We thought that we would now be able to indulge ourselves but the habits of a lifetime are hard to throw off, aren’t they Dear Reader and we have continued to save and invest across 13 years of retirement. I’m constantly saying, Aren’t we lucky? We just don’t have to worry about money at all. but my wife gets annoyed with me and says, We worked hard for everything we’ve got. You don’t have to apologise. And yet I do. I really do. By the accident of birth, I am in the place I am.

It is a warm day of rapidly alternating hot sun and blue sky with torrential rain out of fast-moving black clouds. Not safe to be out walking without swimming so my exercise will be in the Gym today. I’ve got to find a new film to watch. I like political thrillers, espionage, historically-based drama, etc.. Serious things.

Imagine how I surprised myself when I found myself enraptured by a romantic comedy. A TV presenter of political discussion meets an Irish girl while on location in Ireland. He is immediately hooked by her personality and cannot get her out of his mind.

She is a nightmare but he cannot shake off the memory of her in spite of a chaotic texting relationship, being ghosted and rejected. He breaks all the rules to be with her. Ultimately, he dispenses with his partner and, potentially, his career, they become an uncomfortable couple. Life isn’t comfortable is it? I found it so enjoyable …. I must be MAD. Next ….

Saturday, 28th October, 2023

Torrential rain over night. I heard most of it because I didn’t sleep well. A day off from treatment. I found myself just letting go and sleeping in until ….. 8.00 clock!! My apologies to anyone who is offended. I offend myself by my laziness.

Drove down to the beach after breakfast. The weather was warm, dry and quite bright. High tide was due. In fact, I nearly got drowned again as I took photographs. I still cannot convey the majesty of the waves as they roll in and break on the shore.

Rain is forecast again tonight which is a pity because Worthing, in its wisdom, has decided to hold its Fireworks and Carnival this weekend rather than next. It is still very warm and un-Winter like. I am still living in shorts and tee shirt. Even so, today I am cooking Supper. It will be a Winter-warmer from Greece. Stifado is very much like Beef Stew although it has significant differences.

The flavourings make all the difference. Any meat flavoured with sticks of Cinnamon and Allspice is going to stand out. It also features small, round shallots which accompany the beef in tomato sauce, red wine and brandy reduction. I’ve really enjoyed cooking it, Dear Reader. You are very welcome.

The rain is back this evening and I have retreated to the Gym while my wife watches Strictly Come Dancing with a box of chocolate truffles. She’s ordered another two pairs of trousers to boost her morale. How many pairs of trousers can one woman wear?

Sunday, 15th October, 2023

Coldest night since last March. We were 20C overnight on Friday and just 4C last night. Mind you, some Northern towns went down to 2C which really is bitter. The morning has opened bright and sunny with blue skies and little breeze. I will walk later when the world warms up.

The political programmes this morning are dominated by the Israeli-Palestinian problem. In spite of total condemnation of Hamas, it is good to see commentators speak up and huge crowds come out to support the Palestinian cause. Leaves one wondering why the international community have allowed Israel to imprison the Palestinians in the Gaza Strip for so long. There is a direct causality between the imposed Israeli restrictions and the strength of support for Hamas.

In the past 4 years, I have walked 12,000 miles. Just grinding out the effort day after day – never missing, never giving up – is the way I do it. I used to drive across Europe from Coquelles to Piraeus– a drive of 1100 miles.  I have walked that return trip more than 5 times. I am like a dog with a bone. I never give up. I WILL never give up. Let the word go out. I will never give up until I achieve my goals. I am prepared to break everything to do it.

Call it obsession? Maybe, but I call it determination! I subscribe to the philosophy of that well known Athenian, Socrates, who argued and didn’t stop until he had broken down the expert’s view. The Socratic persistence is what I aspire to.

I AM concerned about wearing out my joints – feet, knees, hips, – but the pitfalls of inaction are worse. At times when I get up in the morning, I ache. Walking downstairs in the morning sometimes, my knees ‘click’. Out walking sometimes my hips ache. Getting out of the car after a long drive, I emerge bent-backed and aching. This is certainly happening increasingly with age. It has to be shrugged off or mitigated by treatment. My live-in podiatrist checks &  creams my feet every morning. My recent skeletal scan showed moderate bone-wear for my age.

I wear out a pair of trainers in about 3 months. I have gradually arrived at the right trainers for me. I always buy Sketchers. Sketchers Arch-Fit Go-Walk are exactly right for me. They cost about £90.00 and I need a blue pair & a black to match my outfit at the time. Well, appearances do matter, don’t they! Looking forward to reporting 25,000 miles walked by the time I’m 76. Where will you be on your timeline in another 4 years, Dear Reader?

It is 7.15 pm. My wife is settling down to watch Strictly Come Dancing: The Results. I am not. I know I ought to support my wife. She has spent so many hours pretending to be interested in sport, trying to show interest in football and rugby, pretending not to be bored by cricket. There is an intolerance in me I can’t control.

Last week I really made an effort to share her viewing with her but I failed within 5 minutes. I heard a judge say, You’re a genius, darling! I looked at the competitor and thought, Genius? Einstein … Genius. Tim Berners-Lee … Genius. Love Island contestant and amateur ballroom dancer …. Genius? I couldn’t help snorting with derision and was immediately banished from the television room. I do try but there is only so far I can stretch.

Monday, 16th October, 2023

A dark, cold and lonely morning at 6.00 am. Day 4 of the 20 journeys to Brighton. This is going to be a 4 day week. The irradiation machine is being serviced on Friday. Only 4C last night. I suspect Northerners will have put the heating on. My friend, Julie, was lighting a log fire and making Winter casseroles. I hate this time of year and yearn for the warmth of Summer, for salads and for outdoor living again already. If I was able to, I would be buying it. Unfortunately at the moment, I can’t.

My treatment today was much longer than before. Bit unnerving. Two new radiologists. Once again young girls. Once again Irish – Cara & Aisling – but with warm hands today. They had watched the rugby over the weekend but Ireland had lost which made them sad. Strange feeling after each session which I can’t explain. I go feeling reluctant but optimistic. When it’s over, my emotions plummet viciously. Don’t know why. At that point exactly, I need support.

As I drove home, I received supportive Whatsapps from Kevin & JohnR and our lovely next door neighbours, John & Jill, wished me well and offered any support that I needed. There are lovely people in the world.

The drive there and home was so much better today. People who are in business tell us that Tuesday is the new Monday in travelling to the Office terms. Workers are tending to stay at home for Friday to Monday and go to the Office for 3 midweek days. Maybe that is why the traffic was lighter today. Anyway, it helped. Left at 8.15 am and arrived back at 11.15 am. by which time the world had warmed up to 12C.

Nine years ago today we visited a long lost relative of Pauline’s family who I’d tracked down over a number of heritage sites. We drove to her home near Hampton Court. Beth turned out to be a lovely person who was a BBC singer. Her husband was a High Court Judge. It was a lovely reunion that I was pleased to have arranged. People are, ultimately, the most important elements of our lives. An interesting article in the Daily Telegraph argues that much above exercise, diet & relationships are far more important to longevity.

Out walking this afternoon was less comfortable than it usually is. First, I wore a fleece!! Just 13C felt distinctly cool. More uncomfortable than that was the stiffness and soreness in my pelvic area. I was warned that the irradiation could result in some skeletal discomfort but I didn’t expect it so soon or so badly.

Tuesday, 17th October, 2023

Didn’t sleep well last night although the BBC World Service helped. Had a phone call from the hospital yesterday evening to tell me that Wednesday’s radiotherapy session was cancelled and Friday’s had already been cancelled. I don’t go at the weekend so I am only having one session in 5 days. This is on the borders of acceptable according to my consultant. There is not much I can do about it but I will contact the consultant today to make sure he is alright with it.

Breakfast drink, enema applied, bottles of water in the car and preparing to leave at 8.15 am. I am deliberately cautious about the timing. The 18 miles to Preston Park in Brighton. Actually, it should take about 35 mins but it is usually an hour in reality at this time in the morning. It only takes some road works, an accident, a slow vehicle and I can add 30 mins to the timing. I don’t mind arriving early. The cancer patients’ carpark is great with plenty of spaces and I sit and drink my litre of water – not an easy thing in half an hour. Red wine, maybe, but … water?

Actually, this morning it has all started to go a bit pear-shaped. First Friday’ s session was cancelled. Last night, Wednesday’s was cancelled and then, when I arrived this morning, there was a delay because one machine had broken down. Not a problem other than I had drunk a litre of water in preparation. By the time I was treated (warm hands again), I was DESPERATE!! As I drove home, a message came in from my consultant on the Patients Know Best app cancelling my end of treatment meeting in December. That was meant to be a live-or-die, end-of-treatment meeting. I am phoning him this afternoon to find out what is happening.

Every year since Pauline’s lovely Mum died in 2010, we have gone back to the North of England to pay our respects and remember her. Not that we ever forget anyway but it focusses the mind. We weren’t able to go in the pandemic year and it felt somehow ‘unfaithful’. This photo came up in the Memory Box from 2018. Every year, we have Lunch with Little Viv – our (former) Reprographics manager and Margaret who was SENCO managed by Pauline from SMT. Lovely people, lovely friends kind and supportive. Look forward to seeing them in the New Year when I hope to return to meet up with all my Northern friends. Have to book a couple of weeks to fit them all in!

Phoned the consultant. The meeting will be rearranged for the same day or close so there is no emergency. Might go back to the North of England then just to share it with my friends if I get the all clear.

Wednesday, 18th October, 2023

Hard to believe that it was 13 years ago that we came back early from Greece to be with Pauline’s Mum in what turned out to be her final few weeks. Every time we drive back up to Oldham, we are shocked how advanced the Autumn is. The Crematorium is a fittingly sad, damp, Autumnal setting with a hint of decaying leaves on this day each year.

Unfortunately, this year we can’t be there. It is my fault and I hope Mump doesn’t think I’m letting her down. She never let me down.

I have spent the morning contacting people by Text and Whatsapp to explain my absence. Texts are OK although attaching photos is an additional expense and I find that some people rudely fail to reply. With Whatsapp, firstly I can send as many photos as I like and at least there is notification. In the exchange above, you can see the two ticks which indicate Received & Read with two, blue ticks. I like that.

As any retired teacher will know, October 18th is important because the previous month’s Consumer Price Index (CPI) is announced by the ONS. The August level was 6.7% and government believed it would fall significantly this month. That was wishful thinking. State employees occupational pensions are index-linked on the September CPI. Against all expectations, rising fuel prices have kept the CPI to 6.7% which means Teachers pensions will be uprated by that. Last year, it was 10.1% so a two year increase of 16.8% is better than most salaries have improved.

The State Pension, although incredibly small and the smallest in the EU, is increased by the greater of 3 measures known as The Triple Lock. The pension increases by the greater of earnings, inflation or 2.5%. Well, this year, Earnings are 8.5%, inflation is 6.7%, both of which are higher than 2.5%. So, State Pension should increase in April by 8.5%. I hope you’re keeping up, Dear Reader.

Just like the Lock Down year, our enforced period of health treatment at the moment has meant we are saving money like mad because we can’t spend it. We are piling cash into investments for the years of infirmity to come. We will splurge it on travelling next year, hopefully, as long as the verdict is good.

Thursday, 19th October, 2023

Early start this morning. Traffic more difficult. People obviously set off very early for work in Brighton. This was my 6th session and I’m feeling institutionalised already. The routine is to go into a changing room and wait to be called. Some come and have to change. I just wear tee shirt and shorts but have to take off my trainers, watch and mobile phone and wait to be called. It is an individual changing room like a cell. By this stage my bladder is bursting so I try to move as little as possible.

A radiotherapist comes to get me and we go to one of the radiotherapy rooms where I have to provide my date of birth and my address to check I am who they think. I have been given a special sheet to lay on and which is used to adjust my position as they line up my 3 tattoos to the treatment beams to minimise the peripheral damage. When they are happy I am in place, they leave the room and I am automatically moved into the chamber. About 15 mins of treatment and it’s over.

The radiographers are all youngish girls. Everyone of the 6 I’ve met so far is Irish. They are happy, chatty, pleasant people. They try to make what could otherwise be a fairly humiliating experience as comfortable as possible. I must admit I play it fairly deadpan and non-committal.

When it is over, I go back to my changing cell, put on my shoes and walk back to the car. It is at that moment – and it has happened everyone of the first 6 times – when my emotions crash . I have absolutely no idea why but I withdraw into myself. It is then when I most need people. A voice, the touch of skin. A kiss. All of these things are massive at that moment.

By the time I’ve driven home, I am over it. I am feeling increasingly tired, sore and aching and I’m having to fight through that each afternoon on my exercise. Generally, the weather allows me to do the bulk of my exercise outside and the rest is finished in the Gym. I’m watching a film of the John le Carré book, The Spy Who Came in from the Cold. It stars Richard Burton & Claire Bloom and was made in 1966. We were 15 yrs old but I have to tell you that it is another world.

The furniture, the food, the transport, the technology was of another life. Nobody got stuck and phoned for help. Nobody asked a question and used their mobile for the answer. The internet, the mobile phone, the microwave, the colour TV of multiple stations, the motor car for all had not been conceived of. And this has been our life, Dear Reader. Out of a life of Black & White, we are reborn into an infinite world of colour. What we must avoid doing now is closing down our opportunities, saying we are old. Life is to be embraced, to be risked, to be tasted, to be opened up before we die.

Lovely, warm and quite sunny afternoon. Dragged myself round on a 6 mile walk. The area is still looking nice. The grassed areas have had a swathe of wild flowers sown this year and, in spite of local scepticism, it has worked and many are still flowering strongly half way through October. I am really feeling skeletal soreness after 6 bouts of treatment but the consultant told me to ignore them and push myself through the exercise because it would help in the end so that is what I am doing.

Friday, 20th October, 2023

Early start to the morning. Really lifted at 5.00 am to hear the byelection results which both reported historic wins for Labour. In each there were record wins for the Left.

It was so exciting that I couldn’t stay in bed and was up especially early to enjoy the reports. The thought of a Tory annihilation which is very much on the cards makes political activity really worthwhile.

O course, so many of my friends are absolutely delighted as I am. I talked to them this morning and they reinforced my views that the election is Labour’s to lose. A few haven’t replied yet but I will phone them over the next few hours. I’ve been out spending money. Oh, it hurts.

My wife needed new reading glasses. She reads so much that she’s worn out the lenses of her glasses. Just £180.00 has bought 2 pairs which will be ready next week. The kitchen bin broke this morning. Amazon will supply a replacement tomorrow – just £120.00. Can you imagine that a waste bin costs that much? Well this one does. Maybe it will last longer.

My treatment session in Brighton is cancelled today. The machine is being serviced. Bit annoying because my course is extended. Still, there is nothing I can do about it. We are going supermarket shopping and then online shopping when we get home.

Today, the chef is thinking about catering for Christmas. She is cooking not one Christmas cake but three. One for us, one for P&C and one for M&K which will be smuggled into Florida. We had to source ingredients and materials. We’ve had to go to Hobbycraft for cake boards and icing cutters. I have been tasked with searching out extra large roasting tins for very big turkeys. Nothing is left to chance for the caterer.

It’s 2.00 pm. and a lovely warm and sunny day. Going out for a walk although I am hurting quite a bit today. Bit worried about the soreness in my frame but got to keep going! Just hope it stands up to the pressure. ….. Well, 30 mins walking and rain appeared from nowhere. Have to do a couple of hours in the Gym now. ………. as soon as I decide that, the sun re-emerges and beams down across the world.

Saturday, 21st October, 2023

A grey day. It’s raining. Took Pauline to the hairdressers this morning so she didn’t get soaked. Drove home to meet a DPD delivery and then back an hour later to collect her. Looks like I’m going to be in the Gym this morning. We are going to have light rain for a few hours. Nothing like Leeds had yesterday.

My friend, Kevin, regularly flies from Leeds Bradford where it was reported a Tui plane skidded off the runway on landing yesterday. My friend, Julie reported that she’d been virtually trapped in her house on the North East coast for two days by the weather.

On this day two years ago, I met up with Julie in the most beautiful weather. Her port home looked wonderful in the sunshine. Even so, I couldn’t live that far North now.

Woke ridiculously early and thought of things I didn’t want to. Blocked them out by Turning on the radio to a discussion about Causality and Determinism, the philosophy first advanced by Aristotle. (We talk of little else on the South Coast.) I remember going home from College for a holiday and announcing at the Lunch table that I was a Marxist Determinist. It didn’t go down well.

My mother was a Roman Catholic who believed fervently in Original Sin. A Determinist believes that Free Will does not exist but that something in the life of an individual presupposes them to act in certain ways. On that basis, the concept of Sin is irrelevant.

In the early 1970s, my left wing politics engendered my view that actions were determined by Life’s experiences – poverty or wealth, Working Class or Higher Class, determined so much about nutrition and future health, subject to basic services like Health, Education, Housing, etc. In other words, I was taking the ‘Nurture’ side of the argument. In later life, I still tend towards that view but have integrated the genetic inheritance element or ‘Nature’ side although I have no idea in which proportion.

I suspect that my early upbringing and genetic inheritance contributed fairly equally to the mess of strengths and weaknesses I am. If only I had had Free Will, I would have done things so much differently. Just been talking to my old friend, John Ridley. A son of a Methodist minister, John has pursued a life of good works and continues to do so. There is a strong, determinist thread there.

Sunday, 8th October, 2023

Struggling a bit at the moment. Phoned my friend, Brian, in Shaw to wish him Happy Birthday. He has a friend who has been having exactly the same problems as me – hormone treatment leading to mood swings, hot flushes, weight gain, poor sleep patterns – and then went on to radiotherapy. He has emerged physically unscathed and cancer-clear so the talk was encouraging. Brian has recently been in hospital and found himself in a bed next to a former teacher from Oulder Hill who he and I both knew. It is a small world.

My radiotherapy month starts on Wednesday. By the second week of November, it should all be over. Then, I have a series of PSA tests followed by a meeting with my consultant at the end of December. The aim is to start the New Year cancer-free so that we can embrace a 12 months of travelling to celebrate.

I had thought I might attend my College reunion this year but I will be in the middle of my treatment month. There is a general one in December but that doesn’t appeal. It is only people I know who I want to see. Certainly, the snow doesn’t sell it to me.

At night I use the BBC World Service and during the day I am trying to escape into a world of Drama to blot out the real world at the moment. Strangely, I’m watching DocuDramas which are current. Just watched Partygate and I am now in the middle of The Long Shadow which is a well made account of the Yorkshire Ripper on ITV_X. The next will be Steve Coogan playing Jimmy Saville in The Reckoning on BBC iplayer.

My wife likes honey with fresh figs and porridge for breakfast. She bought a new jar from Sainsburys the other day and, when I looked at it, I was surprised to find it was produced just 5 miles away from where I was born. I was conceived in the village of Repton and the honey was produced in Littleover Apiary just 5 miles away. Sent a cold shiver of remembrance over my body when I saw it. I am struggling with memories at the moment.

Monday, 9th October, 2023

A warm, calm morning. Went down to the beach to listen to the waves as the tide went out, smell the ozone air and feel the warmth of the sun as it burns off the early morning haze.

Marking time at the moment so I am talking to friends to build some optimism. Kevin sets off for Spain tomorrow and we talked this morning. He wished me luck for Wednesday. John-R is busy with his constant round of good works and intellectual pursuits. He is far more public spirited than me. He tours the country giving talks to parochial organisations charging money which goes to charities and he drives a minibus service taking the elderly and infirm on tours of Fountains Abbey and Studley Royal. In his spare time he busks with his folk group in places all over the North with all proceeds going to charity. I’m afraid he puts me to shame.

Of course, John-R is driven by a religious faith which I don’t have. It was one of the things that we found so difficult to cope with when we lived in Greece. Although it is less so now, the Greek people are in thrall to the Greek Orthodox Church which weaves its dogma through every element of Greek life. Our island has 360 churches each of which will get a ceremony of celebration each year. The celebration involves a religious ceremony followed by food and drink.

The food will include huge loaves of bread baked in local ovens (Φούρνοι). This bread is called ευλογία, because it is blessed and because a blessing accompanies its use. Yes, I know it’s nonsense but it is a nonsense they believe. Yesterday was the feast of St. Thomas at Pothitos (Άγιο Θωμά στου Ποθητού). Each church has a particular patron family who will carry the religious icon for the church. This church is supported by the family who bought our house.

It really became hot over the day as we saw 24C/75F while walking. You have to keep telling yourself that we are approaching mid-October and everyone is jaunting around in shorts and tee shirts. People were swimming in the sea this morning and sunbathing on the beach. We finished the day by cooking and eating Supper in the garden. Kalamari and salad was wonderful in the warmth.

Tuesday, 10th October, 2023

Lovely morning although a little bit cool at 8.00 am. It will warm up quite rapidly looking at the sky. We are expecting to be 22C/72F today which will do. I am a bit sceptical of forecasts and my friend, Julie, told me this morning that it was raining heavily in her North Yorkshire home whereas the BBC forecast for there is warm & sunny this morning.

I start my radiotherapy tomorrow morning. It will be like a ‘work’ month – long and lonely. Preparing the night before. Up early – and clocks go back in a couple of weeks. Driving through rush hour. Facing the tests of the day and then driving home to prepare for doing it all over again the next day. The only difference will be that the preparation is physical rather than intellectual.

A lot of driving will be involved over the next month and I’m preparing things to occupy my mind in that time. Podcasts are my current enjoyment. If you are in to politics and current affairs, you will know some of these.

I wrote last weekend about my love of data. Yesterday, I was contacted by the Office for National Statistics asking me to join a new study of the impact

The data from this study are important in helping us understand:

• potential winter pressures to help support the NHS and other services to prepare for future stressors, and act as an early warning system for COVID-19
• the impact of COVID-19 on the lives of individuals, the community and on health services and how they are changing

Of course I’ve agreed to it. It is the least I can do. They will send me a year’s supply of lateral flow tests and I will answer an on-line questionnaire each month as a result.

You didn’t realise how exciting life could be, Dear Reader, did you?

Wednesday, 11th October, 2023

Well, it’s started. I received a phone call yesterday from a radiographer taking me through today’s procedure. This first session is at 11.00 am but the rest are an hour earlier so I’ve decided to get into the pattern of the day straight away. Up at 6.30 am so I have the maximum amount of time to prepare. Isn’t it dark at 6.30 am and the clocks go back on October 29^th to make it even darker.

I have to have an enema 2 hrs before the treatment. (Sorry if that’s too much information.) Then, 40 mins before the procedure, I have to drink a litre of water so that will be while I am driving in. I drive straight into a private carpark for ‘cancer sufferers’ and must be in Oncology 15 mins before the treatment. Knowing these logistics suits me. I like to know the organisation in advance.

I can go in and stay in my shorts and tee shirt which is helpful. They scan my body to locate the three tattoos I had put in place at the planning meeting to fix the beam target. I am strapped into a framework unable to move so that the beam is precise. This is important so that they don’t damage me more than necessary. The radiotherapy takes about 15 mins and then I walk straight out to my car and drive an hour home. So, if things go to plan, I should be home by 11.30 each morning other than today.

Apparently, it takes a week or so before the side effects begin to show. Unfortunately, when I get home tomorrow, I have to have another hormone injection. This will take me to 8 months of treatment and I long for those side effects to end. I am so emotional at the moment that I can hardly live with myself. I am tired all the time and exercise is really mind over matter. I have a strong mind but rather weak matter. I am still forcing myself to do my walks but the timings of this month mean I will be spending far more time in the Gym in the evening. I need to do more rowing and weights this Winter.

Home by 12.30 pm. Quite surprised by how I reacted to the events. Got there extra early. The traffic was abnormally light. Drank a litre of sparkling water that I’d taken with me. Taken into the Radiology area and told what to do. The radiologists – two young girls – set me down in the ‘stocks’ with my head and feet set and began to line up the tattoos before drawing felt tip lines on my beautiful body. The whole process took about 40 mins for the first session which they warned me would get quicker on subsequent days.

I was amazed how emotional I found the morning. I received lovely messages of support from friends and came home to kind wishes in cards from neighbours. It makes all the difference to have their support. I don’t like putting my wife through this. She shouldn’t have to compromise her life.

Thursday, 12th October, 2023

A dark, damp morning at 6.30 am. Had to put the garden lights on to see the garden at all when I got up. It had rained but now stopped. Very warm. 18C/65F over night. I didn’t sleep well which means I’m tired this morning.

Watched the last episode of the Saville Biopic last night and the scenes ran through my mind all night, What a grubby little man he was living in a grubby little world.

His pride in his ‘shell suits’, flashy, tawdry jewellery, dilapidated, old, stone properties in Leeds and Scarborough and, more than anything else, his duplicitous morality legitimated by the Catholic Church to which he nominally belonged. The creed that all sin could be cleansed by confession and atonement allowed him astonishing sexual crimes which he believed he balanced out by doing charitable works.

Got to be driving out at 8.30 this morning and should be irradiated at 10.00 am. Every time I drive home I will be expecting to feel the side effects appearing and hoping they can be staved off as long as possible. Heard from Cathy last night asking about my first session and telling me she and Lori will be at the Brighton Clinic today as well. What old, disintegrating people we are becoming! Just remember, Dear Reader, as Benjamin Franklin said,

We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.

Day 2 over quite successfully although I did learn today that some men are having far fewer radiotherapy sessions than me which suggests my cancer is far more extensive. That was a bit of a shock. Amazing how lonely and exposed I feel going through the process.

Just as I was going down for the session, Kevin took the trouble to contact me from Spain where he should be just enjoying himself. Once again, I was amazed how much that helped.

Friday, 13th October, 2023

A warm night and a warm, dark, damp morning. We stayed around 20C/68F all night and it feels very humid this morning. Earlier session at the hospital today. Up at 6.00 am, as I did every work day for nearly 40 years. Traffic was better at that time and I was there early. I try to be there 40 mins before so that I can drink a litre of water in the car before I go in. While I’m there, I communicate with friends on my phone.

This morning Kevin sent me a photo of what I was missing in Spain. He followed it up by something I definitely wasn’t missing – an Amy Winehouse tribute act at the bar last night. I can’t imagine anything worse and that was reason enough to not go with him. Having said that, talking was a nice distraction and just reaching out made a difference.

Still gloomy outside as I went in. Two, young Irish radiographers this morning – one called Annie and the other Mollie. She had freezing cold hands but was otherwise lovely. Having been carefully positioned on the moving bed, they go out of the radiation room and I am left to my own devices with strict instructions not to move.

I am automatically drawn back into the dark, scanner tunnel. The silence and the darkness induce even darker, fatalistic thoughts in me. Why am I doing this? Why am I putting my wife through the whole process? Perhaps I should stop it and just let the prostate develop to its natural conclusion. It would be easier all round for everyone.

Drove back via the beach. There is something elemental and enveloping about the sea. The waves wash over, the sound soothes and the rhythm is eternal. Really tempting …

Saturday, 14th October, 2023

Well, we got through Friday 13th in one piece and last night was the coldest for well over 6 months. The temperature fell to 9C/48F. Even so, because of the hormone treatment. I still needed the air-conditioning last night in bed.

Really, I should sleep in the Gym. It doesn’t have central heating from the house. I have an oil-filled, ladder radiator on the wall which has to be controlled separately. The computer-controlled Gym equipment would be seriously damaged if the temperature fell below 5C/41F so I receive remote notifications on my phone & iPad letting me know the current Gym temperature and alerting me if it’s about to become critical.

We had the Gym insulated but that has increased the relative humidity and I receive reports on that as well although I’m not sure how to respond. Last night, the Gym temperature fell to 12.7C/55F which is fine and nice for sleeping when you get the sweats.

Driving up to Surrey this morning to visit M, P&C. It is a beautiful day after a crystal clear night. The biggest problem driving will be sun glare and, maybe, the M25.

The chef has made two Quiches for a family lunch this afternoon. One is bacon & tomato and the other is my favourite – salmon & asparagus. Mmm! Might forget to put that one in the car.

Sunday, 1st October, 2023

I want to say, Happy October. Happy New Month! but I’m finding it difficult. Will it be happy? I’m panicking. It’s going! Tempus Fugit! Don’t let it go. Don’t go!

Last week marked 58 years since my father’s death and this week will see my wife not celebrating reaching 72. I love statistics but I don’t like these.

Sorry, I’m OK now … I think. October will be another experience. I’m going to start my course of radiotherapy next week. It will dominate the month both in time and effect. This morning, I am breaking the habits of a lifetime by having TOAST for breakfast. I’m almost feeling bad just thinking about it.

It is fairly grey outside this morning although incredibly warm. Overnight, we didn’t go below 17C/63F and we expect to see 70F this morning. Our problem is not enough rain. Little bits over night but we really need to be in the North West. Lots of it up there this weekend and for the week to come. Could put a dampener on the Tory Party Conference in Manchester this week. Let’s hope so.

Went absolutely mad yesterday and completely valeted the car. Took about three hours and it’s looking great. I don’t think the Porsche I craved on Friday is going to get through the Scrutiny Committee so this car will have to do for a few more weeks.

Done my exercise to work off the toast. It is 22C/71F and delicious outside. Talking to friends to keep my spirits up. Watching the Ryder Cup even though I don’t play golf. Planning out how to solve some problems. Looks like it’s going to involve breaking some eggs that I pledged not to.

It is 7.30 pm. My wife is watching Strictly Come Dancing. I am banned from the room because I can’t stop scoffing at it. I hear a judge talking about GENIUS and look at the celebrity and …. never mind. I am cowering in my Office out of the way, browsing newspapers and watching another TV. Suddenly, the two situations are melded in a news item.

Apparently, Len Goodman was a judge on Strictly and he died 6 months ago. The cause was announced today. He had Prostate Cancer which had become Metastatic and spread to the bones and lymph nodes. Currently, my cancer is still contained within the prostate. If that remains the case, I have a 95% chance of complete eradication. If it has metastasised and gone into the bones or lymph glands, I have less than 30% chance of living 5 years. These are stark alternatives that are chosen by a throw of fate’s dice.

I’m going to need all the support I can get over the next few weeks. The whole process will be exhausting. Physically, I am told that radiotherapy will kill my energy levels, my appetite and anything else I enjoy. The journey will be wearing and the stress will take its toll. I am ready for it and I’m still optimistic but the odds are always in my mind.

Monday, 2nd October, 2023

Up early and out for a Flu jab at the Kamsons Pharmacy attached to our Surgery. Lovely people. Had to give my date of birth and they all said how young I looked for my age. They actually said my wife didn’t even look 50 although I suspect they weren’t looking too hard.

I noticed they were offering nasal flu vaccines but when I requested one they said it was only for children. You really can’t win. They tell me how young I look and then refuse me child benefits. Anyway, the needle didn’t hurt … much. I am now protected against Seasonal Flu and Swine flu. Apparently, the resurgence of H1N1, also known as swine flu is being observed across the southern hemisphere and is expected to arrive here. I can think of one or two people who really need to be vaccinated against swine diseases but I don’t think I’m one of them.

We had our Covid Boosters about 10 days ago and Covid cases have been rising quite steeply in the past few months. I am determined that nothing will delay my Radiotherapy month and I will eradicate this thing that has blighted my life for so long this year.

It’s been a beautiful day. Spent the morning mowing everybody’s lawns and trimming the hedge. Warm work. Good couple of hours’ walk this afternoon. Temperature 22C/71F in the local area and everywhere looked lovely. I’ve been sauntering around looking younger than my age all day and I’m sure you are too, Dear Reader. No Pressure!!

Tuesday, 3rd October, 2023

Blue sky and warm morning as I drive off to the Cancer Centre in Brighton. Just before leaving, the BBC announced that radiographers had joined consultants and Junior Doctors in striking today. At 8.30 am, the roads were desperate. Lane closures creating pinch points, rush hour creating traffic build-up, planned road works creating massive tailbacks. It all adds up to frustration. I’m already feeling frustrated and this just adds to it. Even so, an extra 20 mins driving was alright and will not stop me making my appointment.

Time past and time future
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always presentT.S. Eliot – Four Quartets: Burnt Norton

Time has always been so important to me both Past, Present and Future. I’ve often thought that I find Present the hardest time to live in. You know the saying that Life isn’t a Rehearsal. I think I have tended to treat it exactly like that. Never satisfied with my performance in the Present, I think I will improve on it in the Future and that tracing failure in my Past will help inform that.

I was looking through some records from the past when I came upon these watches that have been significant to me. The Ingersoll above was the watch I wore as a boy at Grammar school in the 1950s – 1960s. The black, plastic, digital Casio was what I wore in my student days. That has seen some sights. It really appealed to me for its modernity and rejection of the past. Digital, plastic and square were the qualities that represented rejection of old fashioned design of the past and embracing Harold Wilson’s white, heat of the Technological age.

Of course, when I got married at the grand old age of 28, I was beginning to see myself as part of the new establishment, teacher and property owner. My wife bought me a watch more befitting of my status. Plastic and digital were out. Enduring, stainless steel and multifunction were in. And I wore that watch for 30 years. I still have it but, eventually, it was superseded by something a bit more delicate and digital again.

Until a real step up came out and so many life events were incorporated. The watch I wear now is one of a line of sports/phone watches I have worn over the past 5 years. It integrates with my phone and tells me of emails and texts coming in, of phone calls as they connect and of my exercise achievements for the day, heart rate, sleep patterns, weather in my area, calendar events and so much more. I love it but I am already looking for the next upgrade both of phone and watch. Time is becoming something of a sideshow other than it is running out and the danger is we game play in the Present and not take it seriously. The Future will be here only too soon.

Wednesday, 4th October, 2023

Warm and sunny morning … again. My main focus this morning – other than watching the Tories betray the North – is to source ingredients of a birthday meal for my wife who is officially ancient tomorrow. She will be 72! You know me, Dear Reader. On such occasions, I like to look back.

In this week 13 years ago, Pauline was just 59! Just writing it points up the huge transition of time. Seems obvious but 59 – 72 massive! In fact, this week 13 years ago was even more momentous than we expected. We had just driven back from Greece, off the Zeebrugge – Hull ferry and on to see Pauline’s Mum in Oldham. She wasn’t well. She was 96 years old and had been increasingly feeling her age.

We had retired the year before and were going to our Greek house for 6 months. We had sold our Yorkshire house while we were away in Greece, returned home to clear it and put our things in storage and gone to Greece until what we thought would be the middle of October.

Pauline and her Mum talked evey day, sometimes twice a day over Skype. At the end of September, it was becoming clear that she wasn’t well. Her swollen leg had burst one night and her subsequent treatment had been poor and exacerbated her condition. We decided that we had to return early to be with her. It was exactly the right decision as it turned out.

We were homeless and moved in to Mum-in-Law’s Retirement home in the Guest Room. She went into hospital and over the next two weeks was about to come home 3 or 4 times but relapsed with new problems popping up. Unfortunately, she never did come out and died in mid October 13 years ago. We went on to sell the Greek house, buy a property in Surrey, sell that after 5 years and move to Sussex. How much can change in 13 years.

I was feeling a little sad already and remembering this has accentuated it. It was a difficult time. We felt so responsible. Did we do the right things? Make the right decisions? Doubt lingers in our minds. Balancing our own lives with those of ones we love is always difficult.

Thursday, 5th October, 2023

Lovely day. I am on birthday duties. It is Pauline’s 72nd birthday. Unbelievable that we are 144. In fact, it is Gross. Going down to walk on the beach. We’ll need it with the meal I am serving:

• * Boeuf Bourguignon with
  * Jacket Potato dripping in Butter
  ************************************
  * Coffee & Walnut Cake with
  * Coffee Ice cream & thick Jersey Cream

I cooked the Bourguignon using Fillet Steak and a bottle of red wine yesterday so that the flavour matures. I didn’t make the cake but I will be assembling the constituent parts with real skill.

Texts, DMs, phone calls and even some cards from around the world this morning. Pauline’s closest school friend, Sue, who emigrated to Gozo, the Maltese island, was in contact this morning. They left UK about 5 years ago but are already thinking of moving on if not back to Lancashire. These contacts throw up so many memories don’t they. It can be painful as it points up the passage of time – something that we often ignore or block out if we can. It makes us look at ourselves again afresh and think about how much has changed in that time. I always think it is important to view one’s self in the context of time. Others are scared of it.

The next few days are going to be wonderful. This morning is starting off a little cloudy but we are told it will burn off and the sun will come out. The next 5 days are forecast to be all sunshine and temperatures reaching upper 20s C.

Friday, 6th October, 2023

Well, the birthday celebrations went off well yesterday. I ended up with a fully satisfied customer.

The morning started off happily with lots of contacts and cards. Amazing how many people we know when things like this happen and how far flung they are around the world.

We went out to the beach to walk in the warm sun and lovely sea air. Rustington Beach was quiet and beautiful – just the place for birthday posing. The smell of the sea was gorgeous and the colours of the scene really inviting.

Followed our healthy walk by champagne snack for Lunch and a bit of sunshine in the garden. Dinner went well, I am told and we drank too much wine before pledging to give up completely now until after my treatment.

We finished the evening – as you do on special occasions – watching a political docu-drama downloaded from Channel 4. Partygate was chilling in its blend of fact and fiction, a horrible reminder of that time of Johnson’s duplicitous government. Johnson has gone. Truss has gone and, soon, they will all be gone as the byelection in Scotland over night illustrates.

Even warmer and sunnier this morning. Unfortunately the first job is Dentist. Just one occasion when I’d rather visit the hairdresser but you can’t have everything. Sometimes, you can’t have anything. Of course, my teeth are so old that little changes now. I can’t remember the last time I needed work. Today was the same.

It has stayed delightfully Summer all day. Talked to girl in Lancashire this morning who said it was chucking it down and the roads were flooded. That’s actually how she said it.

Saturday, 7th October, 2023

Another lovely day. By 9.00 am the sky was blue, the sun was out and the temperature had reached 22C/71F which is not too shabby for 7th October.

If you are a regular reader, you will know I get news, information, posts from lots of places to which I have/had a connection. They are called Push Alerts which means that, instead of me going to find them, they are sent to me automatically all day and all night. You would love it, Dear Reader! Over night, I got information about car hire in Florida. This morning I got dire warnings of heavy rain and flooding about to hit the North of England particularly in North Yorkshire. Down here, the Summer goes on.

If you read me at all, you will know that I love Data. I have that sort of mind where acquiring data, tabulating and saving data in neat order and then referring back to that data is important and enjoyable. I save every phone number, address, every email, every text, every letter, every financial record, every warranty, every life event …. for ever. Members of my family are amazed that I know every birthday. I run an on-line calendar which records all those sorts of things. I am mortified if I forget or get a birthday wrong. That is what the National Records Office is there for – to substantiate or correct.

I keep spreadsheet records of my health readings – INR and so on, of our power usage in different homes over the years and like to compare them. My wife is driven mad because I won’t let her throw out all my/her payslips going back to the 1970s. I have all my notes from my B.A Degree and my Masters Degree. And, of course, we have our Financial records going back to 1978 just as I have my Blog going back to 2008. An old man and fellow Historian who had been Head of History in our school in Oldham dropped in for Lunch the other day and Pauline was surprised to find that he had kept all his records as well right up to his current age of 83. I almost felt vindicated.

Of course, payslips are easy. I have box files full of them. Nowadays things like Texts or Emails, digital photos or documents are backed up in the Cloud because you never know when you might need them.

Sunday, 24th September, 2023

What a strange night. A warm contrast to the night before. 17C/63F all night. Fitful sleep punctuated by weird dreams. In one, I dreamt I was dreaming. I was absolutely convinced that I woke from a dream, woke my wife and asked her if I could afford to stop working – stop teaching – and retire. Then I woke up and woke my wife to ask her if that conversation had taken place. As I did so, the bubbling realisation of what nonsense I was talking flowed across me. Fortunately, my wife just laughed rather than sending for little men in white coats.

Hard to predict how the day will go after that unsettling start. Watching the morning political discussion and I realise that there are far more weird things across the country. I am almost sane. I love driving. I would always choose car over train but the HS2 project, which I was never in favour of, is becoming a national humiliation.

I/we argued at the time that Northern rail infrastructure badly needs investment and updating. Trans-Pennine travel is terrible. The trains are antiquated. The motorways are horrible almost all the time but definitely at peak times. I’ve never thought that shaving a bit of time off North-South travel was more worthwhile than treating the North of England properly. Of course, hi-speed broadband, video conferencing improvements and home working have all made the HS2 project something of a white elephant. Few people would even consider the boast on the billboard above.

What worries me is that Britain is becoming an insular laughing stock unable to afford and build major infrastructure projects.

Warm and breezy down at the beach today. Perfect weather for the windsurfers. Coffee shops overlooking the sea were crowded with onlookers as the surfers demonstrated their skills.

Monday, 25th September, 2023

Warm & sunny. Lovely blue sky. Went for an early walk around the development and out into the local park. The gardeners had already been by 10.00 am and the area looked cared for.

The walk takes us past our very own Stone Henge and the drift of wild flowers which have created an pleasant edge to the green.

The walk around our streets is a memory of the Past. Some of my readers are not keen to be reminded of past times but I know the past informs the future. All our pasts come back to visit us when we least expect it. Better to meet it head on than to be surprised by an ambush.

There is something satisfying about the village’s naming of our streets after villagers fallen in WW1. Harrison Crescent, Nanson Lane, Maynard Mead, Alexander Avenue, Lagden Gardens all commemorate those from the village who fell a century ago.

Tuesday, 26th September, 2023

Had to go out on a lovely, sunny morning to the Radiotherapy Centre in Preston Park, Brighton. It was quite an enjoyable drive which took 45 mins each way. I have two weeks until my intensive course of treatment begins.

From field to fork or, in this case, garden to kitchen, the Basil plants will soon be looking worse for wear so they are being used this morning. I am cooking a huge pot of Tomato Sauce with basil, garlic and Onions. It will be sectioned into boxes and frozen for use over the winter.

Had contact with my little sister, Cathy this morning. Well, I say little, she is 68 but she will always be little to me and I will always feel responsible for her welfare. She is mad about dogs – particularly ugly breeds of dogs. Sometimes, I think I will always fail to understand people.

I do understand this though. Little Cathy sent me a photo of her leg. She is super fit but has developed a condition called Purpura which is an abnormal build up of blood vessels in the skin and is not curable. It is seen in older people and called senile purpura. I’m not having that said about my little sister! I’m making an appointment with her doctor to put her straight!!

Wednesday, 27th September, 2023

Lovely morning after a warm night – didn’t fall below 17C/63F. Didn’t sleep well. Dreamt of my old friend, Nigel, who I lived with for 3 years at college. He was an Art teacher, Budhist and ran an Art Gallery. He was the first person I met when I arrived at College 54 years ago. I’ve seen him once since 1974. He was 75 yesterday.

I am in the doghouse because one of my wife’s favourite large, serving bowls – white porcelain bought in France – has been chipped probably by me unstacking the dishwasher. It is one of the reasons that I’m not allowed to stack the dishwasher. I tend to cram everything in without any real care. I have spent the last hour trying to find a replacement which is not as easy in UK.

You will be relieved to know, Dear Reader, that I have found something which is thought to be acceptable …. on Amazon and not one but two replacements will be arriving tomorrow.

Next the Fish Delivery arrived. Sides of salmon, bags of Squid Tubes, Frozen Prawns, Slab of fresh Tuna and, for the first time, some portions of Mahi Mahi. I wonder if you’ve ever eaten it. I only tried it in America and it is from the Pacific Ocean. It tastes rather like swordfish which is becoming difficult to buy here at the moment. Mahi Mahi is something of an oxymoron as a ugly-beautiful fish which is rather disturbingly also known as the dolphin fish.

Went out to tile shops for the second time to source the right floor tiles for the downstairs bathroom. We’ve found a good shop, Eurotiles & Bathrooms, who said immediately we could take any tiles home to match up with the tiled walls. They didn’t need any of our details. That is the sort of trader I like and guaranteed my custom. We found exactly the right tiles and now have to engage a tiler to measure up. What really took my interest was the ‘Smart’ (automatic) toilet which is a combine of toilet and Bidet, the functions of which are controlled by remote control. Now that’s what I call a toilet! Just £3,000 including fitting. I’ve got to have one.

Thursday, 28th September, 2023

A grey, warm day. Finding it quite hard to rouse myself to anything. Need to clean the car – can’t be bothered. Need to get some tilers to come and quote for a job in the house. Finding it tiresomely difficult. Have to do my exercise. Too tired! It’s going to be one of those days. I’m looking for a spring to put in my step. Briefly had some banter with JohnR who is preparing to give a talk, Kevin who is having his arm pumped with injections today and Julie who has suffered terrible gales around the house last night and didn’t sleep.

Do you know what cod cheeks are, Dear Reader? No, I didn’t until recently. If you can believe it, they are the actual cheeks of cod fish. Had to go down to the fish merchants by the beach to collect some which have come down from Billingsgate over night.

Cod cheeks are small and very sweet pieces of cod set aside when the main fish is filleted. We ordered a 3Kg box and went to pick it up this morning.

While we are out, the house is cleaned upstairs and down by the robots. They take about an hour each to negotiate the different rooms. All we have to do is leave all the doors open, set the robots off as we go out using our smart phones and leave the alarm off because the robots would trigger the infra red sensors.

While we were down at the beach on this warm morning, I thought I might be able to raise my spirits and reinvigorate myself by walking by the sea. Actually, there was a huge gaggle of school children beachcombing as the tide turned. Came away quite quickly.

Time to go on a real trip!

Friday, 29th September, 2023

Warm and sunny morning. Still feeling rather lethargic and empty. Spirits raised in Sainsburys carpark when I saw a new, Porche Macan in metallic, deep, dark aubergine. I have got to get one. As soon as I got home, I looked up the price and it is incredibly reasonable when compared to a new one of my car. Worth considering … if I can get it through the Management. First question will be, Why do you want to drive at 145 mph? I’m preparing an answer.

I have never really had pets. It wasn’t encouraged at home. It was a busy, full household with little time or space for animals. I was allowed a rabbit at about the age of 7. A hutch was built for it outside in the garden. I fed and watered it and was told to clean it out which I was less assiduous at. After a short time, a lot of little pink, wriggling babies arrived. I was too innocent to ask where from … something of a lifelong weakness. I only had one rabbit so, in retrospect, it must have been immaculate conception which would have appealed to my Catholic Mother.

Very soon after the birth, the babies disappeared and, a few days later, I went outside after breakfast to find my rabbit dead. I had killed my rabbit! I locked myself in the downstairs toilet and cried loudly for hours. The explanation I was given was that the dandelion leaves I had picked from the edges of the garden had been treated with weedkiller and then ingested by the rabbit. There were no more pets in the house until I left home.

When I moved in with Pauline in 1978, she had two, small cats – sisters called Flossie & Jemima. I wasn’t keen on them at all. Cat hairs everywhere. Flossie was long haired and constantly shed hair. I used to terrorise them with the vacuum cleaner. Flossie was a hunter and came back with mice, birds and, once, a young rabbit. She soon took one too many risks and was found dead on the road outside. Her sister lasted longer, was more careful and I (almost) came to like her but she, eventually, suffered the same fate. In both cases there were tears – not mine – followed by formal burials marked by a stick in the back garden.

Jemima died in 1979 but lives on in our Dressing Room. She has been carried around with us from house to house in framed photograph form, I hasten to add. She looks down on Pauline as she does the ironing just as she did in real life. She looks down on me as I get dressed and …. sneers.

Saturday, 30th September, 2023

The last morning of September is an absolutely beautiful one with blue sky and strong sunshine. Bit tired because I didn’t sleep well. I’m really suffering with fluctuating body temperatures at the moment. My weight is increasing again and my emotions are all over the place. Last night in bed, the air conditioning was switched on and off so many times as I cycled from cold to sweating and back. Feeling a bit listless without ideas.

One thing on my mind at the moment is that radiotherapy starts in just over a week. While I wasn’t sleeping at around 4.00 am this morning, BBC World Service ran an article about a very successful NHS trial of radiotherapy for men with prostate cancer. My fairly conventional treatment has involved hormone therapy – about 8 months of it – which has been really unpleasant but looks as if it has been very successful, followed by a month (20 sessions) of targeted radiotherapy.

This carries real risks for the patient of life-changing after-effects but does provide a fantastic rate of survival into the future. Having to attend hospital every weekday for a 4 weeks is demanding on patient and hospital. The new trial has established that the 20 sessions of moderate radiation can be replaced by 5 sessions of more intensive radiation with just the same success rate and no increased risk of after effects. Obviously, this cuts demands on the patient and frees up so much resource for the NHS. They could treat 4 times the number of patients. Looks like I have just suffered too soon.

Lots of signs of Autumn around now although the weather is not one of them. Trees around the Development are showing lots of die-back and grass is growing more slowly. We are still getting temperatures in the low 20Cs so hovering around 70F and with rain at night, flowers continue to bloom.

Paid a plumber loads of money to replace a faulty toilet flush, spring-loaded plunger button. It failed within a week. I ordered two more on Amazon and my wife fitted it in minutes with total success. That’s what a man needs – a wife not a plumber.